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Future IELTS exam preparation. The graph compares the number of visits to two new music sites on web

Apr 18, 2017   #1
Hello everyone,
This is my first writing task 1 to prepare for Ielts exam in the future. I hope you can help me to review it. Thank you very much

Music Choice and Pop Parade visitors

The line graph shows data about how many people visited two new music websites namely Music Choice and Pop Parade.
Overall, the number of visitors of both sites fluctuated over the period of 15 days. Although the two trends were similar in terms of a general increase, the number of people accessing to Pop Parade site in most days was higher than that of Music Choice.

In the first nine days, there was a gradual decline in the number of people visiting the Pop Parade, from nearly 120 people in the first day to only 40 people in the ninth day. However, the figure for Pop Parade rose sharply to about 150 visitors in the eleventh day before dropping to exactly 80 people for thirteenth day. Pop Parade finally gained approximately 170 visits over the 15-day period.

Over the same period, the number of visitors of the Music Choice varied less significantly than on the Pop Parade. It started with 40 people for the first day, and there was no noticeable change during eleven days. The figure for Music Choice increased dramatically from more than 20 people to 120 people after a brief interval of one day. That figure then fell to about 80 visitors by the fifteenth day.

akbarmappiare 275  
Apr 18, 2017   #2
Hi Hong, I have read your writing and will offer a fee suggestions for finalizing this.
Firstly, be careful of paraphrasing the statement. Honestly, you failed to paraphrase the question. It actually contains the information about the number of visits, not the number of people. I guess that is inappropriate because it is possible someone can access the music many times. Pay attention about the axis X and Y in the graph because it can decide how you should describe the data

After that, avoid detailed information in the overview because it can reduce your score. It is sufficient on condition that you present the interesting trend there. Exactly, that needs time so that you should provide your time less than 5 minutes for analyzing the data. It is paramount because this can decide the way you explain in the body paragraphs.

Keep in your mind that your task in the writing task 1 is to compare the figures, not display separately. You tended to present the data separately. Your sentences are enough good, but you passed one of the essential requirements. It is about the language of comparisons. In fact, the description without the comparisons is less attractive if you can find difficulty to reach the high secore.

Hopefully, my advice can improve your ability.
OP dilink  
Apr 19, 2017   #3
Thank you very much. I didn't realize those big mistakes in the writing. I spent money on a writing correction service of another website and disappointingly, they couldn't show me my mistakes as you did. Your advice is really helpful. Thank you, again.

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