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SalMon 27 / 113 10  
May 29, 2014   #1
Topic: In the last 20 years there have been significant development in the field of information technology (IT), for example the World Wide Web and communication by e-mail. However, future developments in IT are likely to have more negative effects than positive.

To what extent do you agree with this view?

Could you guys review my essay? Hope this is better than the previous one :)

The appearance of information technology (IT) in the last 20 years has brought about significant developments in life standard as well as work efficiency. However, it is believed that the evolution also proves to be detrimental. In my opinion, there is a likelihood that future developments in IT will put the users at their own expense.

With the rapid developing pace, IT seems to have turned its users to its slaves. In the past, there used to be World Wide Web or e-mail, but the cyber world now varies form games, online TV shows to means of communication, and probably still keeps going. Such irrisistible temptations drift people from the real world to the unreal ones, resulting in their dependence on technical equipment. What is more, the lack of soft skills attained form outdoor activities will agitate the IT addict, therefore, staying inside with computer and mobile phone will always be the first alternative.

Future IT has also aroused concern on health issues. The existence of Skype, Viber or Yahoo has notably reduced even the longest distance into one click. As a result, rarely do people go out of their comfot zone, provided with snack and air conditioner, to assemble with others in flesh. Needless to say, their action will make a beeline for obesity, short-sighted, diabetes and other heart-related problems.

In conclusion, despite the contribution of IT to the society, its effect on the users' independence and prositution should not be out of concern. To my mind, there have to be some alterations before IT has more serious impact on each individual's life.
thanhphongct1 5 / 18 2  
May 31, 2014   #2
The appearance of information technology (IT) in the last 20 years has brought about significant developments in life standard as well as work efficiency

i think u should use : "living standard" or "standard of living" and "working efficiency" or "efficiency at work" instead , "life standard" and "work efficiency" are understandable as well but they sound quite weird to me

IT seems to have turned its users to its slaves

i know this sentence's meaning but it still confused me 'cause you put the word "slave" here , for me, i would write like : IT's users seem to have become more and more dependent on it, it's clearer than using "slave" i think so, and i dont use "its" twice like yours :D pleasure to help u :D
OP SalMon 27 / 113 10  
May 31, 2014   #3
Thank you so much! Well it should be constitution not prostitution I'm wrong, sorry :) And yeah I agree with you about the word "slave", "life standard" and "work effeciency". Thanks a lot!
harry137181143 2 / 4  
Jun 1, 2014   #4
Your essay is a good example for us on how to use varied vocabulary and sentence structures. But I do think you can be more detailed when discussing the negative effects of IT, say, Facebook.
OP SalMon 27 / 113 10  
Jun 1, 2014   #5
oh sure :) Thanks for your kind word! Yeah I'd love to include Facebook in other relevant essays :)
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Jun 6, 2014   #6
Here you follow a good approach to construct your intro. However, you need to improve clarity of your sentences and also the flow of your ideas.

Well, it is better if you give reasons to defend your opinion and then back them with specific examples. My suggestion is to have one idea per one body para. Better to have two to three body paras because this task has a major bearing on time and you need to be concerned about that fact.
OP SalMon 27 / 113 10  
Jun 6, 2014   #7
Oh I see :) well my idea is that such temptation will lead to the lack of social skills, but maybe my sentences are not clear enough to see that. I wil try next time :D And by the way, have you been busy recently, I rarely saw you online this week and last?

Oh, and what do you mean by the flow of my idea? I'm a little confused about that?