Unanswered [10] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

IELTS Writing Task 2: The gap between rich and poor is growing. What problem does this create?


sinchana2017 7 / 18  
Feb 13, 2017   #1
The gap between rich and poor is growing. What problem does this create? What can be done to tackle them?

Lowering the financial abyss between rich and poor



With the growing population, the gap between rich people and poor people is steadily increasing. This trend could be ascribed to a few reasons, and definite actions must be taken to reduce the gap between rich and poor people.

There are evident reasons as to why the gap between the high and low standard of people is rising drastically. The most prominent reason is the unavailability of education to people who are below poverty line. The focus of the world is shifting towards creating a global village which is highly beneficial for people in developing and developed countries, which doesn't have the major benefit of underdeveloped countries. Despite this, the mindset of poor people acts as a trigger for this wide differentiation as they won't understand the necessity of education and doesn't promote their offsprings to learn academics.

To boost the economy of underdeveloped countries which in turn reduce the gap between richer and poorer nations, we have to devise some definitive plans. The action point should include offering basic education to everyone along with this there should be some kind of schemes for prospective students who are willing to pursue higher education. Furthermore, world organization should take measures in boosting the economy of underdeveloped countries and help them to grow financially. One such example is the act passed by United Nations in maintaining the peace and prosperity of Syria by imposing mandatory education for everyone in the country and providing financial aids.

In conclusion, I believe that the aforementioned measures can create more peaceful communities and ensure the gap between rich and poor people is minimized.

Holt - / 7,529 2001  
Feb 13, 2017   #2
Sinchana, you have a number of problems in this essay. The first, and biggest of which, is the mistaken prompt discussion. You decided to over reach with your topic discussion by discussing the gap between the rich and the poor on a global scale. I am wondering as to why you did that because the scope of the prompt is actually only on a local, national scale. That is one of the main reasons why your discussion is confusing and your prompt paraphrasing does not really reflect the correct message from the given topic. The confusing paragraphs in this essay are numerous. Let me point out one confusing sentence in paragraph 2 for you.

... highly beneficial for people in developing and developed countries, which doesn't have the major benefit of underdeveloped countries.

As a fully developed country, the people from that country do not face the same "disadvantages" as those from under developed countries. You mistakenly claimed that a developed country does not have the major benefit of underdeveloped countries. An under developed country cannot have major benefits because their overall national development is slow, compromised, and not really at par with the developed nations. So there is no way that a developed country would appreciate the "benefits" of being an under developed country.

Perhaps this mistake is caused by your unfamiliarity with the English language, or a misunderstanding of the phrase meanings. Either way, The serious mistakes such as the ones above have a severe effect on your final score, you could probably get no higher than a 3 or 4 in the overall band score.
akbarmappiare 31 / 469 275  
Feb 13, 2017   #3
Hi Sinchana, welcome to Essay Forum. I will try offering a few corrections for finalizing your writing.

In your introduction, I think you can better paraphrase a statement given. If readers see briefly, it can seem almost same. I wanna give the example.

Nowadays, increasing population brings distance widely between statuses of low and high economics.
For the next sentence, you presented your opinion clearly. I don't mean that you had to explain detailed because it is a contain of the body paragraph. However, you should show underline of what you give in the body paragraph.

Turning to your body paragraph, I have not found relation logically between your statement "

The most prominent reason is the unavailability of education to people who are below poverty line

and its reason. Honestly, I am really puzzled for understanding that flow.

doesn't have

they won't understand

Keep in your mind for avoiding contractions in the formal writing.

In my mind, the prompt asks you for reviewing the gap generally, not to compare undeveloped and developed countries. As we know, each undeveloped country has the poor and rich family so that it is less relevant for taking that object. On the other hand, your alternative solution has focused on the undeveloped country. I only remind you that when you want to present the solution, it is based on the problem which you review in the previous statement.

Hopefully, these can help you for improving your ability.
GOOD LUCK


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: The gap between rich and poor is growing. What problem does this create?