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Gas is on the Rise - opinion essay


Someonejen 2 / 3  
Jan 26, 2008   #1
Hello,
We were required to create an opinion essay, on any topic of our choice of something that matters to us. Below is my eassy and I could use some advice. I have it at three pages now and need it to be four pages and I am now stuck. Any advice would be greatful. Also I was wondering if I have any real thesis I believe I do but it doesn't come until the end of the paper, is that okay?

Thanks in advance for any advice you can give me.

Gas Is On The Rise...

I woke up to the sound of music on my phone at 6 a.m. and started my daily routine. As I inhaled my breakfast and glanced at the time I realized I was going to being late for school, again. I rushed to grab my backpack, coat and dashed out the door. As I started up the car I realized I forgot to get gas last night, I knew now at this point I was going to be late no matter what.

As I pulled into the gas station my face light up with the utter most joy, the price of gas had gone up again. At this point I was not truly happy about this because I am like any student on a strict budget. As I started the pump, I glazed at the machine as the numbers kept rolling up, as I closed my eyes trying to remember those good old days when it only took twenty dollars to fill up my tank. As I heard the quiet click and glanced at the total my mouth dropped, as I read the numbers, I soon realized there was nothing like the good olds days. My day-dreaming was over for me as I was sucked back into reality. What once was twenty dollars was now forty, as my stomach turned I reached into my purse to pay the cashier, thinking this better last until my next paycheck. I felt like the high gases prices were only burning a hole in my paycheck. Each time the prices began to climb, I would get more and more frustrated.

While driving to school, my favorite music started playing and I began to jam out, until I realized that I was not going to be able to make it on one tank of gas. I soon came to the conclusion I was going to be short and had to find out how to make ends meet. Should I ask my parents for a loan and get the talk, you need to learn how to manage your money better. Or ask a friend to borrow some money and never here the end of that. Or even better there is always the school bus that manages to always be late, stinky and crowded. Alright now you are all probably thinking those all sound so great. Gee, now I wonder which one I will ever choose.

I come from a generation where teenagers basically assume that when you're 16 you'll have a car and you'll drive to school. Just take my school for instances we probably had 300 or more students that drove to school everyday. But, in many cases both parents work, and the student also has a part-time job. So in that situation, having a car is sometimes a necessity. I just happened to be in that boat, my parents would say having a part-time job would bring me responsibility and respect for people. But yet with that part-time job more and more of that paycheck was going to gas and less to fun and a social life. When I would complain many of my friends did not feel my pain because there parents would foot the bill. What disgusted me the most was when they would take this for grant, they weren't appreciating what their parents were doing for them. I now find myself focusing on the gas prices more then the prices at the mall. I find all my spending money being funneled into my gas tank. Since the gas prices have reach for the sky, I find myself thinking about other means of transportation where that means pedaling my way around or walking whenever possible. But when you live 25 miles from school or town the only way to get around is by driving. I find myself planning my trips more and trying to do all my stops at once and not making those random trips to the mall anymore.

Now, we all are probably tired of hearing about the certain ways that you can save and stretch one tank of gas. Like getting gas in the morning or late afternoon, filling up as much as possible and making sure your car meets all the standards, like the tire pressures right and keeping the air filter up to date. Although they can help and do make a difference, you still find yourself pulling into that local gas station way too soon and seeing the mall in your rearview mirror.

Now if you're like most of us you are probably complaining to, and know exactly what I am talking about and feel my pain. Now days it always seems like the gas prices keep soaring up little by little. Between the wars overseas and the recent hurricanes that hit the Gulf Coast the price of gas has reached a record high. But with the way the price of gas is steadily climbing, we soon will be reminiscing about the time before hurricane Katrina and Rita when the price of gas was in the two dollar range. These two hurricanes had a big impact on our entire country, which has made our supply go down but the demand goes up. So when demand goes up, the price goes up, resulting in higher gas prices. So in result we find ourselves pumping more gasoline, despite those higher prices.

Like many people, students just want to be heard and make a statement that the high gas prices even affect young people not just adults. With a part-time job you make minimum wage and about half of that goes to gas and we miss out on everyday things like going to the movies because we can't afford it. But, as we all know gas prices will always continue to fluctuate, but over time they will always be on the rise and become a problem for everyone. Since there is not much we can do now we have to be smart and learn to budget in the high prices.

EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Jan 26, 2008   #2
Greetings!

You make some good points in your essay, but I think it lacks a bit of focus. It needs a stronger thesis statement, and the thesis needs to be in the first paragraph. Also, the tone of your essay is more like a chatty conversation than a piece of formal writing. Sentences like "Now if you're like most of us you are probably complaining to, and know exactly what I am talking about and feel my pain." are not really appropriate. (And you meant "too" rather than "to.") Avoid contractions like "you're" in formal writing. Although it can be very effective to start an essay with an anecdote or story, as you do here, you need to limit it to a paragraph at most and then get into the main point of your essay.

Here are some other editing suggestions, although you may want to rewrite some of this:

As I started up the car I realized I forgot to get gas last night. I knew now at this point I was going to be late no matter what.- You have quite a few run-on sentences, where you should have a period rather than a comma.

As I pulled into the gas station my face lit up with the utter most joy, the price of gas had gone up again. - It's "utmost joy" but really, you should avoid this type of sarcasm.

As I started the pump, I gazed at the machine as the numbers kept rolling up, as I closed my eyes trying to remember those good old days when it only took twenty dollars to fill up my tank. As I heard the quiet click and glanced at the total my mouth dropped, as I read the numbers, I soon realized there was nothing like the good olds days. - Two run-on sentences in a row. Try reading it aloud, and do not take a breath unless there is a period; you may be able to find them more easily.

What once was twenty dollars was now forty, as my stomach turned I reached into my purse to pay the cashier, thinking this better last until my next paycheck. - Run-on; put a period after forty.

Or ask a friend to borrow some money and never hear the end of that.

Alright now you are all probably thinking those all sound so great. Gee, now I wonder which one I will ever choose. - This sarcasm does not add to your essay. Just because it is an opinion essay does not mean that you cannot include factual data. Some supporting facts about energy consumption will get you a much better grade than sarcasm.

Just take my school for instance: we probably had 300 or more students that drove to school every day.

I just happened to be in that boat. My parents would say having a part-time job would bring me responsibility and respect for people. (Run-on)

When I would complain many of my friends did not feel my pain because their parents would foot the bill. What disgusted me the most was when they would take this for granted; they weren't appreciating what their parents were doing for them. - This run-on sentence can use a semicolon rather than a period.

I now find myself focusing on the gas prices more than the prices at the mall.

Since the gas prices have reached for the sky, I find myself thinking about other means of transportation whether that means pedaling my way around or walking whenever possible.

like the tire pressure is right

Nowadays, it always seems like the gas prices keep soaring up little by little. - This is rather contradictory. "Soaring" implies they zoom upward, while "little by little" makes it sound slow.

My suggestion would be that you keep working on it, and make it more fact-based and less informal.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com


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