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Ielts: gender equality - behavior of people become different from past to present


gela07 2 / 10  
Sep 8, 2014   #1
The position of women has changed markedly in the last 20 years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children.

As the world evolves, changes and behavior of people also become different from past to present. An example is the gender equality. Before, women are the homemaker and the society did not acknowledged their worth but now communities are open and believed that women can also do jobs like what men does. Nowadays women still work even they are married and have their own family. The reason behind this is maybe their husband's salary is not enough to provide for the whole family. Second is they want to provide a better education and life for their children and lastly, some women are simply career minded.

I believe that a person wants to have a comfortable life and be a good provider for the family. But some parents or mothers forget that their children are longing for love and affection and they suffer because mothers were focused on giving their family a wonderful life. The young people were misguided because they are receiving less attention from their parents.But some mothers even they are not working still neglect their role in taking care of their children that result in juvenile delinquency.I do not think that the working mothers received all the blame for the misconduct of the children because in raising a child it is important that their is a balance of guidance between a mother and a father they should work hand in hand and environment also is a big factor for a child that is growing up.

In my conclusion I strongly disagree that married women who works is to be blame with regards to the juvenile delinquency of young people if the mother is doing her part to take care the children and sustaining the needs of the family. The young people are the one who is responsible for his or her own action. I believe that if children are raised well and guided by parents even exposed to different factors like school, friends they will not do juvenile delinquency.

xatutik 12 / 29 10  
Sep 8, 2014   #2
Hi, this are some comments on your essay

believed that women can also do jobs like what men does - men do
important that their is - there is
... and environment also is a big factor for a child that is growing up. I believe you have better to write this part in a separate sentence.

if the mother is doing her part to take care the children and sustaining the needs of the familyWill be better to write in a separate sentence.

First you say "environment also is a big factor for a child that is growing up." and then "I believe that if children are raised well and guided by parents even exposed to different factors like school, friends they will not do juvenile delinquency." Seems these two ideas contradict each other.

Overall you have several very long sentences, which are difficult to understand. You can split them into several sentences, which will make the ideas more clear.

Besides, it's easier to make mistakes in a long sentences rather than in short ones :)
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Sep 8, 2014   #3
It would have been nice if you provided the prompt for this essay so that I can review it based upon the requirements of the prompt. Just the same, I can tell that you have given a lot of thought to what you want to say in relation to the role of women and how it has changed over the past 20 years. Your opinion about how the change in the role of women in the modern world has affected families and society is quite solid and understandable. Your reasoning is sound and logical but still has room for further development if you have the space in your word count to do so. There are also some grammatical and punctuation errors that you should pay attention to. I have listed these important revisions and other advice as follows:

The position of women has changed markedly in the last 20 years..

- You can further expand this sentence by adding the question posed by the essay prompt as a statement. Then offering an idea of your position on the issue and informing the reader that you will discuss your reasons further in the next paragraphs.

As the world evolves, changes and behavior of people also become different from past to present.

-... changes in the behavior...

An example is the gender equality.

- An example of this can be seen in gender equality.

Before, womenare the homemaker and the society did not acknowledged their worth but now communities are open and believed that women can also do jobs like what men does .

- Before women were the homemakers ... their worth.But now... believe that women can do the same jobs as men.

- Nowadays, women still work even though they are married and have a family. Sometimes they do this because they need to augment their family income or they want to help provide a better life and education for their children. Other times, it is simply because a woman is career minded.

-I believe that mothers want to have a comfortable life and help to provide for their family. But sometimes they forget that their children need their love and affection. In such instances, children suffer because their mothers are focused on improving their family life instead of raising and bonding with their children.

- Lack of motherly guidance is blamed for the rise in misguided children because these children receive less attention from their parents. Although, some stay at home mothers still end up neglecting their important role in child rearing, which results in juvenile delinquency

- Therefore, I do not believe that working mothers should receive all the blame for the misconduct of their children. Child rearing requires 2 parents, a mother and a father, both of whom should balance their roles when it comes to child rearing. The environment the child is raised in also influences the kind of conduct the child develops.

- I therefore conclude that working mothers are not to be blamed for juvenile delinquency. As long as a working mother does her part in helping to discipline and raise her children while helping the family improve their income and status in life, then the child will be raised properly. Young people are responsible for their own actions and are influenced by other forces outside of the influence of their parents. Factors such as peer pressure, and adventurism all play a major role in juvenile delinquency.

Please take note of my suggestions corrections and advice in improving the essay. Try to revise the essay based upon my suggested corrections. It is quite possible that you will see a great improvement in the content of your paper :-)
OP gela07 2 / 10  
Sep 8, 2014   #4
thank you so much :)


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