Unanswered [4] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4


HuongGiangNguyen 4 / 12  
Jun 26, 2020   #1
Hello everyone!
I'm going to take IELTS exam soon. I really need your feedback on my Writing tasks.
Thank you in advance.

the gap between men and women studying math and engineering

Many more men than women choose to study maths and engineering. Why is this?

A lot of efforts have been made to narrow the gender gap in fields of science and engineering. However, women remain underrepresented in these domains. This pipeline problem could be ascribed to sex discrimination and the lack of female role models in STEM careers.

The prolonged beliefs of each sex's roles and abilities have generated wide gender disparity in disciplines relating to science. Since an early age, people have exposed to perceptions that males are better than females at STEM subjects and women are not suitable for working in these majors. Without counter-intervention, boys and girls would gradually develop their own self-efficacy based on these conventional stereotypes. A lot of women believe that they are less competent at math and science. Most of them then avoid STEM and opt for subjects traditionally associated with females. It is gender discrimination that has been preventing women from pursuing science.

Moreover, the world still lacks female role models in science and engineering areas. Men have been dominating science-related fields for decades while women has accounted for a small proportion of the workforce in engineering and math fields. This, in the first place, has fortified the idea that females' opportunities of success in STEM majors are scarce. Thus, girls often feel less motivated than boys to study science and math as girls find it hard to relate themselves to these disciplines. Also, there are not many role models of their gender who women can follow in science path. This view has been discouraging women from taking up math and engineering.

In conclusion, the gap between men and women studying math and engineering has been created by the society old-fashioned gender norms underestimating females' capabilities. Coupled with this, it is the lack of female scientists that has prevented women from taking STEM subjects.

Elsa 4 / 7 3  
Jun 27, 2020   #2
In my opinion, you have capability to develop your idea well and state your ideas in the beginning of paragraph is a great thing. Nevertheless, I didn't find any example in your body paragraph. It help you to support your ideas and if it done properly, it will get you to the high marks. Therefore, you need to simplify your explanation to avoid any wordy because you need to add relevant example.

Here I provide the possible example for your second paragraph:
"Majority male students in USA prefer to learn computer science as favorable major and 75% of them were succeed to be a web developer in prestigious company like Google.inc, while less than 20% of women achieve this position. Based on this fact, women become less motivated to choose any major related to STEM."
Holt [Contributor] - / 9,752 3084  
Jun 27, 2020   #3
Good discussion. The reasons are well developed. Proper examples via explanations are used, and the follow up explanations stay on point, creating a stronger reasoning paragraph with every presentation. However, the essay still has problems that need to be addressed.

You are not showing any vocabulary range by constantly using the term "women" in the presentation. You should vary it by using other reference words such as ladies, gentlewoman, miss, or misses (plural of miss). Also, you need to recognize words that repeat meaning, these are called redundancies. Counter - intervention is an example of this redundancy. To counter means to alter or change. To intervene is to come between things to effect change. Change being the redundant meaning between the two words. Additionally, don't use the term "sex" to refer to the identity of the person. Use "gender" instead and follow up by using gender based pronouns in your presentation to help you score better in the GRA section.

While your opening paraphrase meets the 3 sentence minimum requirement, you did not do the same thing for your concluding paragraph. It should also contain 3 sentences minimum in the presentation. The error there was that you decided to use a run-on sentence in the first sentence rather than separating it into 2 separate sentences, which is the proper format for that particular thought process presentation.
OP HuongGiangNguyen 4 / 12  
Jun 27, 2020   #4
@Holt Thank you for your feedback. I've already noticed my problem with vocabulary. I know many words but I cannot recall them in speaking and writing parts. Do you have any recommendation of books or practices I should use to solve this problem? Thank you indeed.