Hi every one, I'm trying myself with the new topic for task 2 of IELTS writing, please help me check if there's any changes/corrections that can be made to improve my essay. Appreciate all comments!
Topic: In many parts of the word, unemployment among men is rising whilst the number of positions in jobs traditionally held by women is increasing.Do you think that women will overtake men as the main wage earners?
It can be explained that evolution of feminism has changed society practically in many ways. In which, the most evident fact is that there's now greater equality between working women and men in many parts of the worlds. If this continues, I firmly believe that women will dominate men to become breadwinners in the family.
Although opponents of this idea may argue that this situation will correct itself, since social awareness of gender roles has differed from the past, modern women have more opportunities to attain knowledge and so to promote their positions in working environment. In masculinity dominated society about years ago, women were set up in the routine destiny of being wives, house keepers and mothers whose jobs were supposed not necessary to enjoy education. As a result, there was a significant less number of women who receive college degrees in comparison to nowadays. However, woman qualifications were recognized when they are encouraged to go to school and when their tasks were not limit in the family zone. Statistics shows that in America, more than half of current graduates are female, while women receive 60% of all master's degrees. As an effect of the growth in the education of women, many business sectors have witnessed tremendous increase of women workforce as well as average weekly earnings after so far behind the other sex in the past. Women also demonstrate that they're capable in some particular jobs like managers, drivers... which were traditionally hold by men.
In addition to that, the prospective that women may leave men behind looks even more positive when we held different perspectives towards the equality between men and women. Against fostered female sexual freedom and economic power in the past, women nowadays could postpone their marriage to invest in education and career without worrying that unexpected pregnancy would prevent their pursuit of professional goals. Also, as husbands, men could join their hands in contributing to child rearing and house works. That trend will create stronger relation between father and children, and better family earning rather than determined solely sex wage earner.
In brief, women have become less depend in family and society for their efforts and better education. This is a great advancement in culture as well as economy that will likely lift women up to a new era when they would take over men as main wage earners.
Overall, not a bad essay. I feel like you could flesh out your conclusion even more. Give a brief summary on what this means for the future.
Other than that, I believe your essay will be much better when you incorporate the necessary revisions I suggested.
Good luck on your endeavors and don't stop writing!
Hi @katty_nhung, kindly find my suggestion on your first paragraph below.
Feminism has changed virtually every aspects in our society. As a matter of fact, there is a growing trend of unemployment among males as well as vacant occupations which are commonly filled by females in certain areas in the world. This essay will attempt to elaborate the causes of women replacing men as breadwinners in family.