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IELTS TASK 2. It is generally agreed today that when a country develop its technologies, the long-es


MaximKlopunov99 13 / 22 4  
Oct 11, 2016   #1
Can you give me all your suggestions about this essay and the average score, please.

It is generally agreed today that when a country develop its technologies, the long-established skills and ways of life become extinct. It is useless to try and remain them currently central. As such, it is worth asking if the traditional methods of life should exist. Personally, I think they should.

On the one hand, we got used to modern technologies and it is hard to imagine our life without desktops, laptops, tablets, smart phones etc. For instance, for requesting a police clearance document we need to go on official site of state services. Besides physical dependence on technologies, human beings have psychological one on smart phones, because we can't even come out of a house without them. Thus, modern technologies make us be dependent on them.

On the other hand, some people suggest that modern technologies are changing our long-standing traditions which we have been following since our birth.For example, my grandfather doesn't like smartphones or computers, because it is better for him to send an ordinary letter rather than to send an electronic mail. Moreover, one should note here that the modern technologies have changed loads of our habits: to meet your friend you shouldn't anymore go out to see him, because you can see him via skype or something alike. Therefore, the way they used to interact and communicate is being altered for our generation.

In conclusion, one can say that despite the fact that we live in the modern world there are some people who are of the opinion that traditional experience and walks of life might remain.




TJLuschen - / 241 203  
Oct 12, 2016   #2
Hi, your writing is very good, but I don't think you really addressed the prompt directly. I don't think writing letters and seeing people in person are really "traditional skills and ways of life" - this would be more like making pottery by hand or making furniture by hand or cooking traditional recipes - really doing anything "the old-fashioned way". And your first body paragraph just discusses how common technology is, which really isn't a part of the prompt at all. The two paragraphs should be something like 1. It is ok if traditional skills dies out and 2. This is not ok, these skills should be preserved.

Here are some specific suggestions:

... when a country develop[s ] ... I think they should. {In your intro, you make it sound like the prompt's statement is a well-accepted fact, but then you contradict it. I think you cannot assume that the prompt is "generally agreed", that is what you are trying to agree or disagree with}

On the one hand, we [have gotten] used ...

... we need to go on [an] official site

... human beings have [a ]psychological one

...modern technologies make us be dependent on them. {this paragraph doesn't really discuss "traditional skills and ways of life at all"

... have changed loads of {"loads of" is a little too informal to use in an essay like this} our habits: to meet your friend you [no longer have to] go out ... or something [similar].

... traditional experience[s ] and walks of life might remain.
justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Oct 12, 2016   #3
Hi Maxim, if I were to rate you according to how you answered the prompt and the usage of the English language rules and regulations, I must say I will give you an 8, I believe you have answered the prompt properly, your choice of words is of clarity and this is the best thing that you can do when writing an essay, as soon as you understand what is asked of you to write, you will be able to write a very good and comprehensive essay.

Having said that, as I go through your essay, I have a few suggestions for the first and last paragraph of your essay.

First paragraph
- Today, it is generally agreed today
- It is useless to try and remain them currently centralkeep the norms alive .

Conclusion
... that traditional experience and walksnorms of life mightshould remain and be strengthened in order for the next generation to enjoy and rediscover life like the previous generations did .

There you have it Maxim, I hope the above remarks help you with your revision.


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