Unanswered [8] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 2

Getting into dept by buying goods which do not needed

IqbalThemi 44 / 46 13  
May 19, 2015   #1
Some people get into debt by buying things they don't need and can't afford. What are the reasons for this behavior? What action can be taken to prevent people from having this problem?

Nowadays, more and more people loan money from banks to buy many goods which they interest although the goods are not really needed or have a significant value in their life. Therefore, I would argue that following lifestyle trend is one of key factors which encourage people to buy any companies' products regularly. However, a strict regulation from government to prevent advertisement of companies' goods which truly hypnotize people to buy any product is viable solution this problem.

With regard to the following lifestyle trend, people often tend to show up how many goods they have and how expensive they are. Result shows that 70% of people in some developed countries feel being as new richer man or woman if they can buy the most luxury goods. As a result, for filling lifestyle demands, many people are really keen on getting into debt from the banks.

As such, government has a significant role to solve the problem of people who like overbuying things with loaning money from the banks. To illustrate, formulating a strict rule about advertisement attitudes of companies is obvious solution. This can restrict activities of companies in promoting their products that tend to manipulate many consumers. Consequently, people have bad habit such as hunting money with dept for buying the product in advertisement though it is not needed for them.

The aforementioned evidence reveals that a serious effort of government in implementing the regulation can arouse awareness of people to change their habit.

lcturn87 - / 435 236  
May 19, 2015   #2
I hope this helps you. I also gave you some suggestions on how you can improve your writing.

1st paragraph:
- I feel you should start with the word, "Today". You want to open your paragraph by describing that people receive loans from banks. However, I'm unsure if you are discussing if the banks charge interest or the people are interested in the goods.

- It seems that you have two arguments. You should just state that the practice of borrowing encourages people to buy company products regularly. Also, since you are mentioning banks, do you think credit cards are an easy way to make purchases and live a certain lifestyle?

- I would avoid using the word hypnotize to describe this behavior. I would suggest using encourage because it is a personal choice to buy.
- Overall, in this first paragraph, there are words that will make your sentences better (i.e. the, a, etc.)

Ex: However, a strict regulation from the government to prevent advertisement of companies' goods, which encourage people to buy any product, is a viable solution this problem.

2nd paragraph:
- People tend to make a "showy display" or "brag". I'm not sure if you mean they are verbally discussing their material possessions or showing them to others.

- Please check your source and quote directly when you cite this source. The quote is confusing to read. Also give credit to the source in your paper.

3rd paragraph:
- The first sentence you forget to put "the" before government. You did this correctly when you put it before problem. Change with to "by getting loans". If you say loaning money, then the person seems like the giver rather than the one receives the money.

- Place "an" before obvious. (If a word begins with a vowel such as obvious, you should use "an" rather than a).

- This last sentence is confusing, but it also seems like a detail rather than a sentence that needs to be placed as a conclusion. You should delete that sentence. The last sentence you wrote in this essay should become the last sentence in this paragraph.

Home / Writing Feedback / Getting into dept by buying goods which do not needed