Getting promotion is one of the biggest drives for people - factors which lead people to work hard

Here is my essay. Can you give me some feedback and possible score I may get. Thank you!

influencing people to do their best at work

Getting promotion is one of the biggest drives for people to apply themselves and work hard in the modern workplace.
Why do you think people are so driven to get promotion?
What other factors influence people to work hard?

In the modern workplace, people are hard-working and make a great deal of effort to take promotion opportunities. There are some main reasons why they attempt to get the higher positions. However, there are also other elements that make them so energetic in their working.

People try their best to step up the ladder because of some obvious reasons. Job security is one of the advantages in a higher position that they are less likely fired when companies need to reduce the workforce. Besides, they have the power in making decisions and managing the tasks and staff which means they can arrange their own schedule and have more freedom. Promotion also provides higher payments, bonuses and other benefits such as private business trips in company's jets and access to some luxury places that they cannot have in the lower positions.

There are other factors affecting the hard-working level of people in this era. When people find out the career they love, they tend to have high performance because that job is their passion and doing it makes them feel happy and fulfilled. Moreover, some companies know the method to motivate their staff to work hard through recognition and celebration success. In other words, people will receive monetary incentives and other rewards when performing effectively in their work which helps them feel appreciated and valued.

In conclusion, nowadays people work hard and strive to gain promotion owing to some key reasons and also other factors. Getting a higher position gives them opportunities to have job security, power in decision-making and better salaries with other benefits. Their passion in the job and motivation in success can also encourage them to dedicate to the jobs.

attempt to get the higher positions
... other elements factors that make them so energetic in their working work.

When an essay prompt asks you direct questions, you are expected to outline your discussion process or reasons within the prompt paraphrase. This will help the examiner test if you truly understood the prompt and, if you have the ability to properly develop a response to a direct question. Your paraphrase presentation is not really responsive to the prompt discussion questions. Basically, your restatement doesn't really deliver any clear version of the original topic and response to the questions. So, the paraphrase will not help you gain a higher score in terms of the TA requirements.

The reasoning paragraphs offer several reasons in response to the question. However, you failed to properly thresh out any of the reasons. So all you did was present under developed discussion points. Your presentation needs more supporting facts, whether imaginary or truthful. Focus on developing a single reason per paragraph instead of 2 connected reasons within one paragraph. That way you clearly explain your point of view in the presentation paragraphs.

Due to the discussion error, I will not be scoring your essay at the moment. I am using this essay to tell you what your first problem is when it comes to addressing the task. There are several problems:

- Lack of clear paraphrase
- Lack of direct question response
- Under developed reasoning paragraphs

These are the points that you should improve upon within your next practice essay. If I see any improvement in the next essay, I will definitely score your essay.

@Holt @zanjan2010

Thank you for your feedback!