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A girl who demanded right to school in her hometown - TED TALKS


NinaJoesuf25 36 / 66 4  
Aug 22, 2016   #1
Hi everyone, I need your help for giving me your feedbacks
Thank you.


Education is an utmost essential of our life. Kakenya Ntaiya shared her story regarding her experience of being a girl demanding a right to school in her hometown. From her opinion, education was a luxury gift since she grew up as the Massai people whom, as she told, the boys grow up to be warriors, whereas the girls grow up just to be mother. Unfortunately, it will seemingly be the ubiquitous moment in this place that the girls must prepare to become a mother in the age of twelve.

Knowing that she had to leave school when she would marry was utterly terrifying. She did not eschew to deal with this problem. She urged her father so as to be allowed to continue her study. Then, her father bent her decision with a win-win solution. It was required to her for participating in the ceremony where she must pass this activity such a female genital mutilation. After three weeks of recovery, she backed to school and continue their dream.

At the end of the day, she astonishingly succeeded to pursue higher education because she was inspired by a young men from her village. When she was studying in Virginia, she had a gap in her knowledge about a right. Hence, she learned plenty of knowledge she did not know before. She had just known that female genital mutilation, being widely known as tradition in her group, was illegal in Kenya. It was a heinous tradition as such. Ergo, it should not happen to barter a part of her body in exchange for a dream to continue her study. From that time on, she successfully endeavored to establish school for girls in Kenya and hitherto attempted to persuade girls' Massai for sharpening their knowledge through education.

azmi23 17 / 28 3  
Aug 22, 2016   #2
Hi Nina! i'd like to give some comments and suggestions for a better learning since me, myself is also still on struggling in writing. i hope it will be useful for you.

Kakenya Ntaiya shared heratry not to have repetitive wordsstory regarding her experience ...
From her opinion, education was a luxuryous gift since she (...) grow up just to be a mother. Unfortunately, it will seemingly to be the ubiquitous moment ...

... she astonishingly succeeded to pursue a higher education because ...
... attempted to persuade girls of Massai for sharpening ...
ekalamarsyari11 72 / 108 9  
Aug 22, 2016   #3
Education is an utmost essential aspectofin our life. Kakenya Ntaiya shared her story regardingaccording to her experience ....

the girls must prepare to become a mother in the age of twelve.
passive form is more appropriate
the girls must be prepared to become ...

Knowing that she had to leave school when she would marry was utterly terrifying
because of her local tradition, she had to leave her school and get married although it was utterly tehrrifying for her.

She urged her father so as to be allowed to continue her study.
She urged her father to give her permission for continuing her study.
justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Aug 22, 2016   #4
Hi Nina, first of all, you say;

- Hi everyone, I need your help,for givingplease do give me your feedbacks
Thank you.

Now, we move on to the essay;

- regardingand her experience of being
- a girl demanding athe right to school in her hometown.
- Unfortunately, it willis a seemingly be the ubiquitous moment
- inat the age of twelve.

- so as to be allowed to continue her study.
- ItShe was required to her for participatingto participate in the ceremony
- where she must pass thisan activity such as female genital mutilation.

There you have it Nina, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision, what I focused in this correction, is the construction of sentences that somehow lacks the ideas or the thoughts that you are trying to convey to your readers. Overall, this may be major corrections, however, I believe with a little practice, you will be able to create an even stronger and comprehensive essay.

I left the rest of the essay for you to practice editing.
OP NinaJoesuf25 36 / 66 4  
Aug 22, 2016   #5
ustivy03

Thank you for your valuable feedback.
Well, let me fix the last paragraph.

At the end of the day, she was inspired by a young man who returned to her village after attending school at the University of Oregon. Since then, she strove to apply schools in the US as well. She eventually succeeded to attend college in Virginia. When she was studying there, she learned plenty of knowledge she did not know before such as the right. She had just known that female genital mutilation, being widely known as tradition in her group, was illegal in Kenya. It was a heinous tradition as such. From that time on, she intentionally endeavored to establish school for girls in Kenya and hitherto attempted to persuade girls' Massai for sharpening their knowledge through education. She realized that school for girls, not only for education, but for safety.


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