Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4

Give me some advice about How to introduce yourself?


Bams17 28 / 43  
Oct 12, 2016   #1
How to introduce yourself?

Speaker TED-x talked about how to be good self introduction with new person. He said, most of people in the world have different style self present. Grouping by age , there are many styles self acquaintance with new person. For example speaker said, when he was primary school they introduce their self with stranger," halloo my name is Kevin and I like power ranger", they do the same style when he was junior high school and senior high school. According to the speaker that is bad self introduction and almost everyone do it. In fact everyone have same pattern and meaning on their self acquaintance, and that is bad self introduction. On the other hand the speaker is popular man when he was collage, most of people call him as master self present and master communication. Back to the topic, based on the experience of speaker, most of strangers do not care about your self, major, activity, hobby and all of your life. Several people think of that other people activities are not important on their life and those are something boring. So, start being kind man, safe and honest. In addition , to get good self introduction we should be inspiring person, awesome person, and avoid the meaningless conversation. In the conclusion the speaker change their self introduction when he was collage with word " halloo am Kevin and I love when people truly happy".

mem77 62 / 98 6  
Oct 12, 2016   #2
Hello Bams, this is my correction and also feel free to correct me too

He said, most of ....
He likely said that most of ....

Grouping by age , there are....
Grouping by the age, there are....

For example speaker said, when he was primary school they introduce their self with stranger....
For instance while speaker was at primary school, he and his friends introduced themselves with stranger by...

...that is bad self introduction and....
....It is a bad self introduction and...

And also too many repetition on your writing, maybe you have to parapharase your sentences.
Thank you!
Cachaaaaaaaa 28 / 38 3  
Oct 12, 2016   #3
Hi Bams

Here some suggestion to improv your writing :)

when he was primary school they introduce their self with stranger
they do the same style when he was junior high ...
(it is quite confusing when you directly mention 'they', it is difficult to find where it refers to)

almost everyonedoes it
In fact, everyonehavehas same pattern (everyone is singular)

... the speaker iswas popular man when he was in collagecollege (Focus on your tenses)

most of people called him

Best wishes
justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Oct 12, 2016   #4
Hi Bambang, below are additional thoughts for your revision.

- Speaker TED-xTED speaker X talked about
- how to be good in introducing your self
- introduction with new personto other people .
- He said, most of people in the world have different
- style selfin presenting themselves .
- Grouping by age , there are many styles self acquaintance with new person.
- I'm not sure what you exactly mean by this sentence, however, I believe you mean this - Factoring the age, there are different styles in getting acquainted with a new person

- For example, the speaker said,
- when he was in primary school they
- introduce their selfthemselves with a stranger,
- he was in junior high school and senior high school. - According to the speaker, that
- In fact, everyone havehas the same pattern
- and meaning on their self acquaintance , and that is bad self introduction.
- On the other hand, the speaker is a

There you have it Bambang, I believe the main focus of your revision should be in the construction of your sentences and making sure that the ideas are transpired with clarity.


Home / Writing Feedback / Give me some advice about How to introduce yourself?