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You have been given a gift of money. Which would you rather spend it on? (TOEFL Independent Writing)


Sunrise011 7 / 14 7  
Dec 13, 2019   #1

the choice how to spent gifted money



* You have been given a gift of money. Which would you rather spend it on: a) a piece of jewelry b) a pair of concert tickets c) an expensive meal.

When we consider the importance money has in people's lives, it is only logical to think about how to spend it in order to get a genuine value. Therefore, in this discussion, some would argue that food -healthy and varied- is a priority when it comes to spending money, while others would argue that expensive acquisitions such as jewelry are valued for their uniqueness and are a sign of prosperity. However, if I had the money, I would generally spend it on art.

Personally, out of the options provided, a pair of concert tickets would be my go-to for a variety of reasons. Mainly, I find the other two options merely uninteresting; plus, I am an art-maniac.

First of all, Jewelry are simply a symbol of wealth and do not offer any spiritual, mental or physical support to the owner. In fact, I would go as far as saying expensive materials such as silver, gold and diamonds are ways to show off and can even be an offense and a disrespectful way to undermine underprivileged people's worth. For instance, it is widely recognized that the use of expensive jewelry is accompanied with a change in attitude and the inclination towards self-importance and arrogance. And I do not want to be associated by any of these terrible depictions.

Furthermore, food, particularly expensive meals bought at top-notch restaurants, is attainable at the lowest of prices if we want to indulge in the magic of cooking. Indeed, I would rather spend a couple of hours to prepare my favorite dishes and look up recipes online than go out to a restaurant where I would probably feel uncomfortable around people that might not be friendly just to get something in a really high price and away from the coziness of home. And as much as I have the best regards for famous restaurants and cooks for their clean and neat work places, I do not see myself spending much money on such an activity.

Lastly, my choice of the pair of concert tickets does not just stem from the inconvenience of the other two options, but is also inspired by my admiration for art. The thing is, in my everyday life, I do not have the money to witness my favorite singer in action or watch the premiere of an anticipated movie because of the pricey tickets or the expensive prices of trips. Thus, having this gift money will allow me to take my mother -the person that I share my favorite songs and artists with- to see my favorite my band, regardless of the money needed.

Overall, my choice is based on critical thinking, observation and passion. An expensive meal or piece of jewelry, as tempting as they may be, do not convince me to spend large amounts of money. However, going to a concert I wouldn't normally have the resources to go to fits the bill. Nonetheless, to be fair, there is no right choice as it all depends on preference and lifestyle.

*** Please give it a grade out of 15.

Maria - / 1,099 389  
Dec 13, 2019   #2
@Sunrise011
Out of a grade of 15, I would grant this an 8. The reasons are as follows:
1. The packaging of your sentences are a bit confusing at times. You could have gotten away with using simpler structures and content to create more concise meaning; however, you still did not implement this throughout the writing. It would have helped you immensely when it comes to trying to not be lost in the sea of words.

2. The flow of writing is a bit imbalanced. The hanging "paragraph" that's currently your second paragraph seems a bit off. It wasn't really necessary given that you could have incorporated this into the first paragraph. Doing that would have made a whole lot more sense.

3. Small mistakes throughout the writing were prevalent. This goes from punctuation to capitalization. I have noticed that you struggle a bit when it comes to the placement of commas. Just try to remember a simple rule: if you find yourself needing to pause when you are verbalizing a sentence, then the written version would naturally need to have a comma as well.


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