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IELTS 1 - The given maps illustrates how campus of Woodwards University changed from 1985 to today

Batu 1 / -  
Apr 17, 2019   #1

Woodward University Map

The given maps illustrates how campus of Woodwards University changed from 1985 to today.

Over the time period, the settlement underwent considerable changes.Main road was removed completely, whereas new facilities were added and constructed.

Car park to the south of the library was demolished and replaced with shuttle bus terminal.Road that connected to utilities such as admin building, biology and chemistry blocks was knocked down and more branched footpaths were developed.Apart from a road in 1985, there was not any footpaths that establish a conection among buildings but as of today foothpath are available and connects buildings inside the campus.Also, a new IT center were introduced inside the LÄ°brary Building and border of Library building was expanded.

Additionally, life science departments and car park to the east of library totally were demolished, instead lecture theatre and science laboratories were built.Finally, Admin build where located to the southeast of library in 1985 was relocated to the south of lecture theater today.

Please rate my writing and any positive and negative feedbacks are appreciated.Thank you!

Maria - / 1,098 389  
Apr 17, 2019   #2
I would omit lines that you do not necessarily need. Let's take your first sentence as an example. In here, you could simply remove the to today at the end of your essay. What you could also do is revise and change your phrasing to create a formal tone in your essay.

For instance, I would revise this line also as:
The given map provides a comparative overview of Woodwards University's campus between 1985 and today.

Notice how instead of mentioning that the map illustrates a change, I had simply mentioned that the map is a comparative one. This can already elucidate that it projects two images that should be taken side-by-side.

Your second paragraph is sufficient. I do not recommend touching this portion.

As for your third paragraph, I recommend that you try to be clearer with your language. Don't be afraid of constructing new sentences that are simpler. This can help your essay appear more put-together.

The construction of the language is quite off-putting and confusing. I would suggest implementing a single structure or format for all your sentences to make sure that you have a more concise setting for your essay to have a flow to it.

What you could do is perhaps something similar to this:
In [date], the [area 1] was demolished to pave way for [area 2 that replaced area 1].

You can move around the phrasing and words to have more freedom and flexibility with your essay. While I usually frown on repetitive language because it should be evaded in substantive essays, descriptive essays like this that should have more specific information are encouraged to have more structure.

Best of luck.

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