Giving an advice to a friend about working or studying

You recently received a letter from a friend for advice about whether to go to college or to try to get a job. You think he/she should get a job.

Write a letter to this friend. In your letter:
- Say why he/she would not enjoy going to college
- Explain why getting a job is a good idea for him/her
- Suggest types of jobs that would be suitable for him/her

follow your instinct

Dear Athen,
I hope you're doing well. I'm writing to express my thought toward the letter you wrote to me a couple of days ago.

In my opinion, going to college doesn't ensure you to have the best time cause you don't like studying. I still remember you got suspended when you were at the high school for a few years.

It is vital that you should follow your gut and instinct. As far as I've known, you started working since you were sixteen in order to accomplish and achieve your goal, which you aim to be a businessman. Getting a job not only secures you an independent life but also lessens your misconception in doing business, and enrich your business skills.

There are a few jobs I consider it would be suitable for you such as sales administrator at a real estate company, or working at a customer service department that you had experience in.

I would love to hear your choice in the next letter.
Best wishes.
(168 words)

Hi, I would like to give some suggestions about your letter.
If this is a letter for a friend, I think it is a bit too formal. Besides, I find some small grammatical mistakes like:
express my thoughts
going to college doesn't ...
I would change it to " Attending university won't give you the best experience, because you don't like studying."
I still remember you were suspended from high school for a few years.
you have been working since you were ... your goal, which is to become a businessman.
Getting a job not only ...
It sounds a little confusing to me. I would write something like:"Getting a job not only helps you become financially secure but also gives you real-world business experience and enhance your practical skills in business". Because you want to convince your friend to get a job, you should emphasize the importance of real-life work experience that university sometimes can't provide.

Han, you tend to get confused in you ruse of English words because you are not familiar with the differences between slang and formal English words. Coz, is the slang version of "because". While cause means that something happened because of a specific action or reason. When you said "... have the best time", the next word should have been "because as you are supposed to provide a reason for the subject's action. By the way, how does the suspension of your friend relate to his lack of interest in studying? That subject does not have a definite reason for happening that could tie it with the previous statement.

While your sentence structure is problematic and the essay is still mostly a grammatical nightmare, you are able to get your point across and that is what matters the most. That is what you will be scored upon in the end. It would be good for you to continue to do more sentence creation exercises which can help you improve your grammar and sentence presentations. You show that you have the ability to write an informal letter in English, that is a very good start. Now you just have to work on improving the presentation.