Can you tell me what you think about the essay overall.
It is hard to share meaningful feedback because you did not include the complete prompt.
You need more works for the introductory paragraph. Some phrases should be rewritten as to prevent a lack of clarity. Instead of writing this:
Globalization is a phenomenon, which is shaping world economics.
, you'd better write:
The increasing globalization of business has changed the world. . Also, I did not see you present a strong thesis statement. Remember: a strong thesis statement takes some sort of stand.
Some limited vocabularies are shown;
step up businesses
run/establish business. One word is always better than two words.
people
This can be categorized as sweeping generalization. Write
some peoplegood
This word is too common and not for a score of 7. Use it's synonym
go out of
present more academic tone
turn a blind eye on
This is vague.
globalization is an elephant, which seems good from far side,
This brings a vague idea. Clarity of writing makes the essay a pleasure to read