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'Golf Academy office' - Wonderful Morning essay


Najah1987 3 / 11  
Apr 22, 2012   #1
I have written this essay, and i would like to know if the grammatical and usage is good or not.

"What a wonderful morning, that's when my sister and I started on the first week day, but it was unusually full of un expected events, anyway it ended up well. And that exactly what happened.

The first thing first when we enter to the Golf Academy office, we greeted everyone, and we brought the cake that I made before. We started to organize our daily task, checking our email etc, meanwhile, while we were waiting for the new task, we saw our manager busy that he didn't gave us specific task to do usual. We noticed that everyone was so quite, and that was not usual quietness, we felt that something behind this silence, after launch everyone started to have their golf clubs and started practicing as usual.

The second thing something exciting happened, that's was one of the unexpected things that happened through the day. My director wanted to have a horse riding lesson which is not far from our golf course, at the moment an idea struck to my mind, why don't I go for a lesson too since there was no much work to do and I requested from her to suggest to my manager to allow me to go for a lesson. After refusing, he agreed to let me go considering that I usually make his favorite coffee when he request. Since she requested from my manager to let me keep her accompany for a horse riding , I thought it would be nice to suggest her to borrow my horse riding shoes, since she don't have one. She got excited about the idea then we went on our way to the stable.

On our way to horse ridding stable, we stopped by a villa which is our current residence and I took my horse riding shoes, and on way there were stairs , and all of sudden I split on my knee and thankfully I didn't get injured. We went to the horse riding and it was my second lesson. Before that we prayed Asr prayers while my director was taking her lesson. After that I was my turn and I got my shoes back, it was a bit hard to ride a horse since the horse was different from the first I rode. This time the horse I rode name was 'Philip', the typical horse that I was dreaming for, black and very strong, but since I didn't try it before, it was little bit difficult for me, but soon I have done with my lesson, I rode it very well.

We came back to villa, and all of sudden our manager decided not to cook, because usually he cook for all of us, so we tried to make some Korean food, with his instructions finally we did a good meal, and everyone was satisfied, after dinner we got some coffee with the cake I made.

Our day was a bit cloudy day, we thought at any moment it is going to rain, as a result, we saw a lot of thunder, and then came a heavy rain, it was awesome, and then we went back to office and we used internet for a while, as we were enjoying the sound and the smell of the rain."

Jeecee 5 / 19  
Apr 24, 2012   #2
That's my opinion.

I found too many run-on sentences on your writing.

My director wanted to have a horse riding lesson which is not far from our golf course, at the moment an idea struck to my mind, why don't I go for a lesson too since there was no much work to do and I requested from her to suggest to my manager to allow me to go for a lesson.

I have been told to write short and concise.

My director wanted to take horse riding lesson which is nor far from our golf course. I was interested, so I approached my director and asked her to suggest that to my manager allowing me to go since I was not busy.
OP Najah1987 3 / 11  
Apr 24, 2012   #3
thanks for the edit

thanks for the edit and your advice Jecce
English is my second language, and now i am earning my diploma through online school. honestly i don't have a tutor to correct and guide me, i am just following the book.
Jeecee 5 / 19  
Apr 30, 2012   #4
Which online school? In your home country?
OP Najah1987 3 / 11  
Apr 30, 2012   #5
no, i am studying online school, which is located in Pennsylvania "Penn Foster High School Diploma" have you heard about it.


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