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Toefl---TV good or bad?


litingjiao 7 / 24  
Sep 21, 2009   #1
This is another Toefl essay. This time I finally manage to finish it within 30 minutes:) Maybe because the topic is familiar. I've checked the spelling mistakes. Please give some advice. Thanks a million!

Television is one of the most influential inventions in the 20th century. It has brought us entertainment and information. However, the way I see it, the disadvantages of watching TV far outweigh the merits TV has provided us.

Firstly, watching TV has taken us so much time thus reducing our time to participate in other social activities. A poll conducted by Associated Press states that 85% of American spend an average of four and a half hours a day in front of TV. That's more than two months a year! Supposing a sixty-five-year-old person watches TV like this starting from ten years old, this individual has spent more than nine years in front of the tube! Just think about how much more one can achieve in this nine years' time instead of watching TV. She/he can learn to play a musical instrument, finish many books, join clubs and spend time with family and friends.

Besides, watching TV causes health problems. According to a survey conducted by WHO in America, TV is one of the major contributors to obesity; because when people are watching they usually have some snacks, and this interferes with their ordinary meals. Consequently, unhealthy diets are formed, causing obesity. Also watching TV is bad for people's eyes, which is especially true for young children.

Admittedly, TV brings us various information around the world and it makes the world smaller. Some people say TV is a good way to learn knowledge. However, this is not true after a further consideration. Scientists have concluded that watching TV decreases our creativity and our ability to read and write. This is often more true to children under eighth grade. Thus, TV harms the abilities of students to learn well in school, which is their primary source of information and knowledge. In other words, TV plays a negative role in education.

In conclusion, TV is more of a curse than a blessing because it takes up too much of our precious time, causes health problems and decreases our ability to learn.

I saw Simone said:"one-sentence paragraphs are not acceptable" in another thread. So I changed the conclusion part:
In conclusion, TV is more of a curse than a blessing in that it takes up too much of our precious time; causes health problems and decreases our ability to learn. All of us should be cautious not to be addicted to it.

Better than before?

EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Sep 21, 2009   #2
"Television was one of the most influential inventions of the 20th century"

Supposing a sixty-five-year-old person watches TV like this starting from ten years old,

This is a great point, but it would sound better if you reversed the ages. So, "suppose a person starts watching television at this rate at the age of ten, and continues with this habit until he is sixty-five."

One sentence conclusions are actually fairly common in TOEFL essays. Simone was probably talking about real writing. The TOEFL isn't a test of good writing, but of the author's basic grammatical skills and ability to express an opinion coherently. Also, it has to be written in 30 minutes. Thus, TOEFL essays don't get judged by the same standards as most other essays. In any event, you have clearly got a good TOEFL essay here. You've made a few minor grammatical mistakes, but they don't make the essay difficult to read, and your arguments are very strong and well-thought out.
OP litingjiao 7 / 24  
Sep 21, 2009   #3
Thanks Sean!
You've been helpful and encouraging.
looktor /  
Sep 24, 2009   #4
This is a good essay but the word 'TV' has been used too often. In my opinion, you should try to use a pronoun, such as 'it' or synonym word.


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