IELTS TASK 2 - it is good to share as much information, while others think the opposite

Please comment which band i can gain by this essay and give me suggestion related to my writing since i aim for band 7.0

Question
Some people believe that it is good to share as much information as possible in scientific research, business and the academic world. Others believe that some information is too important or too valuable to be shared freely.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

KEEPING INFORMATION IN SECRET OR WIDELY SPREAD?

answer

There is a common believe that information is better to be widely spread particularly if it is related to scientific scrutiny, business and academic world due to the need of acquiring references for inventing new advancements. Conversely, some people would refuse to publish it freely. This phenomenon appears as an appraisal for the dedication of scientists and public's safety reason.

Improvement is compulsory to be made by either practitioner or businessman in order to enable them to adept with this modern world, otherwise they will not be capable to compete in today's millennial life. Furthermore, information such as research discoveries is tremendously necessary to become references for those who aim to discover both advancement and theory. For instance, the world has recognised that today the Switzerland government has begun to implement a magnificient system which is turning waste into energy. Prior to that, the scientist were indeed collecting data from a numerous references such as journal articles to create that sophisticated technology.

On the other hand, most of research paper are not freely published. It appears as an appraisal for the researcher hardwork and their amount of time that has been spent for either their invention or theory. Moreover, the importance of it can also be taken into account as one of reason to restrict the access to this kind of information. To be specific, we cannot deny that a number of discoveries can be dangerous if it is used in inappropriate way. For instance, Indonesia experienced bombing incident on june this year and caused massive deaths in three distinct regions. This incident was occurred because those terrorists has made enormous bomb using the scientist's invention such as chemical substance and so on. Hence, by considering this drawback, I tend to believe that the crucial information should be restricted to the public.

In the end, a wide-spread information is needed to be a reference for every researcher in order to discover a brand new invention to the society. However, it can lead to a dangerous drawback if the information is accessed by inappropriate ocnums. Therefore, I believe that it is better for maintaining the information banned for public.

(384 words)

Hi. Your writing is good, the vocabulary is precise. Let me analyse your essay:
The correct way to write it is: not be capabe OF competing WITH (preposition mistake).
"This incident was occurred". Never use passive voice with verbs like happen and occur.
Also, I dont know the meaning of the word ocnums? There is no defination related to the word in google translate.

Siti, the original prompt clues you into the fact that this is supposed to be a 5 paragraph essay based on the "discuss both points of view and give your opinion" instruction. So that means, you need 3 body paragraphs in the middle of the essay. The format is:

1. Prompt paraphrase
2. POV 1
3. POV 2
4. Personal opinion
5. Concluding summary

Your opening paraphrase, though extremely wordy and clear, does not include the prompt instruction restatement to explain to the reader what kind of opinion paper you are writing. It make the paraphrase incomplete and as such, can affect your TA score since there is a question as to the type of discussion you will be presenting. The paraphrase has become inaccurate as it includes a response that is not required in the presentation. You turned this into a direct response essay when it is a comparative essay presentation. The correct paraphrase is:

While there are some professionals who believe that information sharing is necessary in the scientific, business, and academic field, there are those who oppose this point of view. They believe that information regarding development in these fields should be kept a secret as it is too important to be freely given as mutual information. A discussion will be presented for each point of view in this essay along with my personal insight into the topic.

384 words is overkill in this instance. Don't forget, you need to be clear and direct to the point in every paragraph using only 5 sentences. Your flowery presentation takes too much time to explain what you want to say. Do not show off your vocabulary in a manner that steals from your editing and revision time as you did in this essay. Write no more than 300 words in 5 paragraphs of 3-5 sentences each in order to ensure that you have ample editing time left after you write the document.

In addition to that, you also need to write a personal point of view in a complete paragraph after you write about the 2 public opinion discussions. The personal opinion is never, and I cannot repeat this enough times to all my students, never a single sentence in the concluding paragraph. The concluding paragraph should always summarize the discussion and close the discussion with a comprehensive closing statement such as:

That is why I stand by my opinion that...

Which indicates a close of the presentation since the personal opinion was given in the prior paragraph. Never close using an open ended conclusion, which happens when you present your unexplained and undeveloped personal opinion in the closing paragraph.