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<IELTS> should goverment control media crime?


ekekek 25 / 51  
Apr 23, 2011   #1
The government should control the amount of violence in the media to reduce the number of violent crimes. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The soaring crime rate has led to the proposal that it is time for the government to take action to control the proliferation of violent scenes in media.

Obviously, violence in the media is often portrayed as extreme as possible in order to attract audiences. This will definitely set a bad example for the immature audiences who, lacking correct parental guidance and abilities to differentiate the right from wrong, are prone to go astray by imitating the violent behaviours and committing real violent crimes as they regard the violence as reasonable and justifiable.

On the other hand, media, such as TV or film, is considered as the correct information source regulated by the government. It should be reporting and reflecting true phenomenon in the society. Violence, as one of the facts in the real world, certainly has to be reported. However, excessive violence would offer misleading information to the public and exert detrimental influence to the society as well. It is recently reported in the news that a seventeen-year-old boy killed all his family members, one sister and two parents out of hatred and jealousy. In the real world, we are inclined to take extreme approach to tackle a small problem due to excessive violence exposure.

We cannot deny that our society is occupied with the violent scenes and plots at present. What the government should do immediately is to strengthen censorship to control the amount of violence in media. Otherwise, the violent crime rate will rise continuously and out of control someday.
ARIA 16 / 43 1  
Apr 23, 2011   #2
Hi Katie
I suggest, it is better to fit your writing structure more within an "introduction", included your "thesis statements", followed by paragraphs, which elaborate and exemplified your reasons and a "conclusion" at the end.

This essay would be great if you changed some of your paragraphs' layout. It is more reasonable if you put your 2nd paragraph at the beginning then followed by your first sentence, and then mention the reasons that government should control the media. It easily can reflect your "thesis statement" in a good "introduction" with your reasons.

In other words your grammar and vocabulary explained very well the reasons but they don't have a logical order and the reader in each paragraph meet a new fact or opinion.

Keep on try and good luck.

Aria
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Apr 24, 2011   #3
Wow, Katie, this is some good writing...
This will definitely set a bad example for the immature audiences who, lacking correct parental guidance and abilities to differentiate the right from wrong, are prone to go astray by imitating the...----This is a very impressive sentence.

It should be reporting and reflecting true phenomenon phenomena in the society. Violence, as one of the facts in the real world, certainly has to be reported.

However, excessive violence would offer misleading information to the public and exert detrimental influence to on society as well.

It was recently reported in the news that...

:-)


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