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Nowadays, both the government and citizens are laying more emphasis on public health


Aclily 1 / 2  
Jun 18, 2016   #1
Is increasing the number of sports facilities the best way to improve public health?

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required.

Discuss both views and give your opinion


Nowadays, both the government and citizens are laying more emphasis on public health. Some state increasing the amount of sports facilities plays the most crucial role in enhancing public health. In contrast, others believe that other actions should be taken because it makes little difference. I agree with the latter view for the following reasons.

First, it is raising the awareness of the importance of doing exercise that matters most. It means not only should people themselves underline keeping fit but also children should be encouraged by parents and schools to participate in sports activities, such as playing football, baseball, basketball; employee should be given chance to have adequate time for exercising by employers. However, to our disappointment, it is common that in plenty of high school, students are buried in enormous textbooks and test papers, albeit there are many modern sports facilities in school stadium. Hence, emphasizing doing exercise can help deal with eliminating the above circumstance as far as possible.

Moreover, the government should invest more money and other resources in social medical welfare. In this way, individuals can have access to health check, injection of vaccine and medical insurance at a lower price or for free. More precisely, in some situations, medicine and therapy affordable, the poor could be cured and recover completely, which reveals how investigation in public medical projects contributes to national health.

However, it is also true that people's health can be benefited if more sports facilities are available. It is because many people are willing to do sports but eventually fail to find any public sports equipment to use in communities or somewhere near their companies. Nevertheless, although building up more public sports amenities is essential to some extent, it is not realistic to think that it is the most effective way to booming society's health standard.

In sum, the most fundamental and paramount method of promoting people's health levels is by highlighting the significance of working out. Also, the government should subsidize public health services as well. Meanwhile, we should not underestimate the sense that sports infrastructure can make
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 790 309  
Jun 18, 2016   #2
Hi Aclily, welcome to EssayForum family :) With regards to your essay, I would like to point out some of your weaknessess in order to strengthen it for the next essay practice. You can see the descriptions below in detail:

- It is suggested for you to give at least one space (1 enter) for each paragraph. So, the reader(s) can differentiate which one is introduction, which one is body paragraph, and which one is conclusion paragraph. It will also ease the examiner in the real test.

- You need to pay attention on the prompt given. It is about 'discuss both views and give your own opinion'. Why did you write a concession statement. Concession is only suggested to be used in agree or disagree essay.

- If you mention 'First', most of the readers or even examiners are waiting for 'Second'. Unfortunately, I can see the 'second' one. Somehow, it can be considered as bad coherent if you hang the cohesive devices like that.

- Mentioning personal pronoun(s) in introduction and conclusion paragraph are okay, but mentioning it in body paragraph is not. Over-using personal pronoun(s) would damage the sense of 'academic' and it makes your essay becomes less formal.

As seen, I hope you can follow through my contribution above. Good luck for the next trial. :)
OP Aclily 1 / 2  
Jun 19, 2016   #3
I am very grateful for your suggestion and warm welcome as it is the first time for me to upload essay and get help here.Following is my correction and I hope you could see it and tell me if I made any misunderstanding.

Nowadays, both the government and citizens are laying more emphasis on public health. Some state increasing the amount of sports facilities plays the most crucial role in enhancing public health. In contrast, others believe that other actions should be taken because it makes little difference. I mainly agree with the latter view for the following reasons.

First, it is raising the awareness of the importance of doing exercise that matters most. It means not only should people themselves underline keeping fit but also children should be encouraged by parents and schools to participate in sports activities, such as playing football, baseball, basketball; employee should be given chance to have adequate time for exercising by employers. However, to our disappointment, it is common that in plenty of high school, students are buried in enormous textbooks and test papers, albeit there are many modern sports facilities in school stadium. Hence, emphasizing doing exercise can help deal with eliminating the above circumstance as far as possible.

MoreoverSecond , the government should invest more money and other resources in social medical welfare. In this way, individuals can have access to health check, injection of vaccine and medical insurance at a lower price or for free. More precisely, in some situations, medicine and therapy affordable, the poor could be cured and recover completely, which reveals how investigation in public medical projects contributes to national health.

However, it is also true that people's health can be benefited if more sports facilities are available. ItOne reason is that many people are willing to do sports but eventually fail to find any public sports equipment to use in communities or somewhere near their companies.Another reason is that a variety of new equipment can motivate people to use it. Nevertheless, although building up more public sports amenities is essential to some extent, it is not realistic to think that it is the most effective way to booming society's health standard.

In sum, the most fundamental and paramount method of promoting people's health levels is by highlighting the significance of working out. Also, the government should subsidize public health services as well. Meanwhile, we should not underestimate the sense that sports infrastructure can make.

I also want to consult you some questions:
1. "I mainly agree with the latter view for the following reasons. " --Is it a appropriate sentence that correlates with the prompt"discuss both views and give your own opinion" and if not,could you please give me an exmple?

2."I mainly agree with the latter view for the following reasons. "--Is the "for the following reasons" approprite to use to cover the next three paragraph? More precisely, I am wondering if it can is contraditory with the forth paragraph.

3."Mentioning personal pronoun(s) in introduction and conclusion paragraph are okay, but mentioning it in body paragraph is not. " I do not understand it,so could you give more specifical example?

Thank you a lot and look forward to your reply.
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 790 309  
Jun 19, 2016   #4
No worries, we are here to help you improving your writing skill, especially in composing IELTS essay. Now, I am going to answer all your questions in the descriptions below:

1. Using agreement is okay, but I think instead of using that, you can try to use "I would argue that ......"

2. Outlining an essay is also essential part in writing. Instead of only stating 'for the following reasons', it is better to mention keywords/phrase of each ideas that you are going to deliver. For instance, "This essay will discuss about first (idea A) and second (idea B) with reasoned conclusions" Therefore, your introduction will be much stronger.

3. Personal pronoun(s) such as we, our, us. You, and I are only appropriate for introduction and conclusion. In body paragraph you might use "it is believed that..." or "some people think that..." rather than using "we, us, or our"

I hope my answer will be helpful. :)
OP Aclily 1 / 2  
Jun 19, 2016   #5
Thanks a lot for your quick reply. I understand your suggestion now. Hope to communicate with you soon.



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