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Should government be fully responsible for the underprivileged people?


jalp 2  
Jun 9, 2018   #1
Some people think that the government should take care of disadvantaged people such as the unemployed and homeless people. Do you agree or disagree?

DISADVANTAGED PEOPLE SHOULD BE TAKEN CARE OF BY THE GOVERNMENT



With more and more people getting unemployed and homeless, there are discussions that the administration must do something about it. In my personal opinion, I disagree that the government should be fully responsible to underprivileged people.

Nowadays, with the decrease demand of employment, there is an increase amount of people without a job. Society thinks that the government should provide jobs for these people. Although there are job fairs all over the world, still, not everyone is getting hired by the companies. Hence, it is not the government's responsibility to give jobs to every unemployed so they can afford to live. The authority is there to assist but not to take care of their needs.

As a result of unemployment, there are those who are homeless or living by the streets. Arguably, this is also one of the government's problems that need to be adressed. However, the help is limited, they can provide temporary living arrangements to the homeless but they cannot give permanent accommodation.

I believe that it is not the government's sole responsibility to provide basic necessities to people at disadvantaged. There are thousands of people who do not have a job, or without a place to live, because of this large number, the government cannot spend the public's money solely on them. This might have a negative effect such as being dependent on the government, that might result to more people taking advantage of public's money.

With that in mind, I still stand on my belief that the government should not be the one to give care for homeless and jobless individuals. The administration, however, may help them by requiring new companies to employ people or some organizations that provide house loans to assist the needs of these people.

Kim Truong  
Jun 9, 2018   #2
You are highly skillful at word choice and also convince the reader successfully. Your essay provides an adequate background information, strong thesis statement, and clear topic sentence.

Besides, in my individual opinion, there are some points that I think will make your essay more persuasive:
The second and the third paragraph also contain the same meaning so that it will be better if you combine them into a paragraph.
"be responsible for + doing something/ someone " is more accurate.
rubychautran 6  
Jun 10, 2018   #3
Hi, I just have one suggestion of how you can improve your writing. You see, any standardized test or even just college essays requires you to write in an academic manner. Right now your essay consists of a lot of spoken language which makes the essay sound sloppy and unprofessional. There are ways in which you can make your essay more academic in terms on language, as I was taught in school: Use more complicated words (just use the synonym dictionary to replace simple words with more complicated ones, but only when you're sure of the meaning of those words), use noun phrases instead of verbs or adjectives (e.g. "With more and more people getting unemployed and homeless" can be written as "Regarding the situation of increasing unemployment and homelessness"). There are more, you can google or ask your teachers.

There are also problems of idea development, but I guess I'll leave it for others to address lol. Hope this is helpful.
OP jalp 2  
Jun 12, 2018   #4
@rubychautran
I understand your point. I think it's one of my problems as well. They are kind of informal and i always struggle to find the academic words or phrases that I should use. Thank you very much for the comment. 🙏🏻

@Kim Truong
Thank you for reading my essay and some advice to improve my work. 🙏🏻
Holt [Contributor] 1505  
Jun 15, 2018   #5
Jea, you appear to repeat your thesis statement twice in this essay. One mention of the thesis statement and prompt paraphrase is enough. I do not know if you noticed but paragraphs 1 and 2 are interchangeable as your opening paraphrase. Do not repeat yourself just to meet a word count. An essay that is direct to the point and immediately discusses its opinion will score higher than a repetitive essay presentation. That said, only paragraph 1 should indicate the paraphrase and thesis statement. The second paragraph, should then contain the first topic or reason for discussion as its first sentence, with supporting discussions to follow.

Only paragraphs 3 and 4 actually discuss the given topic and not in a very strong manner at that because you are not offering any examples to support your claims. This essay would lose a tremendous amount of points due to its repetitiveness and lack of supporting discussions. Try to do a quick outline of your discussion prior to your drafting your response. That way you will avoid repeating yourself.
pshah24  
Jun 15, 2018   #6
I feel that some of this essay is redundant and that should be addressed by adding in a new point. Also, use a thesaurus to make the essay sound more professional.
OP jalp 2  
6 hours ago   #7
@Holt
I did not notice that I have repeated thesis statement. Thank you very much for the review, as always.


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