[IELTS / TASK 2] The government has to pay for aged care

Hi Guys. I'm new to this forum. I would be grateful if I can get some feedback for my essay. Thanks :)

Question:
In Britain, when someone gets old they often go to live in a home with other old people where there are nurses to look after them. Sometimes the government has to pay for this care. Who do you think should pay for this care, the government or the family? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Answer:
Over the decades, the number of aged people has tremendously been increased as the baby boom generation is getting close to retirement. Accordingly, there has been a growing number of aged people who need elderly care. It is agreed that the elderly care should be paid by the government rather than by family. This will be proven by analyzing aged people with poor or no family to support.

To begin with, some families can't afford to pay for elderly care. To illustrate, the demand for elderly care services has been increased with a growing number of aged people. The increase for the demand raises cost and thus some families with poverty can't pay expensive care for their old parents. Therefore, it is evident that the government should help those people to pay for the care.

Moreover, there are some aged people with no family members. Take refugees in Australia for example, many of them immigrate to Australia without family or relatives. When they become too old to care themselves, they need someone to take care of themselves or live in an elderly care centre. However, they might have difficulty paying these as they don't have family to financially support them. Thus, it is clear that the government should pay elderly care for those people.

After analyzing the situation of aged people with poor or no family, it is apparent that elderly care needs to be paid by the government so that more aged people can take advantage of the care. Further, it is expected that the government put more effort to plan for an aging society.

I feel your introduction needs improvement with its alignment to the prompt as well as its structure.

In academic writing, you should not use abbreviations like "can't, don't" but write "cannot, do not" instead.


Hope this helps :)

Thanks for your feedback!

It's quite clear and I think your essay could hit the 6.5 band score :D Just pay more attention on your mistake like abbreviation :D