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Toefl essay A government plans to build a new research center

Keng 39 / 134  
Dec 16, 2009   #1
Please revise my essay. I really need feedback to improve my writing skill
I need your help immediately. This essay is very difficult to me. I feel sad while writing as essay.
I also spend around 50 minutes, which is not good for the essay exam next month.
could anyone assist me? Please tell me how to revise the essay.

Thank you a lot

The question is that
A government plans to build a new research center. Some want a center for business research. Other people want a center for research in agriculture (farming). Which of these two kinds of research centers do you prefer? Use specific reasons to support your answer.

In my view, people have different opinions about a government's building a new research center. Some want to have a center for business research to create new entrepreneurs and the other need a center for agriculture to invent new vehicle to speed up the crop harvesting process. I prefer a second choice to produce brand-new and effective fertilizers.

People who are unemployed can have an opportunity to open their own business. Today it cannot be denied that most of the people who graduate from a university are out of the job. If attending the business courses such as handicrafts and electronics, they are encouraged to have their own business like a shop selling hand-made product and a store repairing electric appliances namely Television and Computer.

What 's more is that people who are a farmer can learn other ways to harvest rice to be sold to the rice mill on time. To illustrate, my uncle, John, has to collect four tons of rice to be sold to the rice mill every summer. He has only five days to do it; therefore, he goes to the agricultural research center to think about creating an electric-powered vehicle to reap rice. With this new invention, he is eventually able to sell rice to the rice mill.

More important, I want to learn how to use organic materials released by animals create a fertilizer to speed the growth of agricultural crops. I really want to save money spent on buying chemical fertilizers by finding other ways to produce a new fertilizer. Therefore, I go to the agricultural research center to search for materials and multimedia demonstrating how to produce a nature-based fertilizer. In the end, i am able to reduce farming expenses by using the organic fertilizer in the palm field.

In conclusion, that people use the research center for business or agriculture depends on their preference. One of them may think about a job to earn money for a living, and some who deal in family really want to increase income but reduce cost by creating innovative harvesters to boost their rice-reaping process, For me, I really want to speed up producing palm sold to a dealer when its price is very high.

HarmonSa 6 / 13  
Dec 16, 2009   #2
You are dilligent...Okay, let's get to the point:

1. I'm afraid I can't agree with your thesis in second paragraph, because a business center also provides jobs for people out of job. So you'd better state that an agriculture center can provide more jobs than a business one does. And then you can then add your current point. Anyway, I think to answer prompts like this comparison will be a very effective way.

2. I'm glad you use "What's more", but you didn't use it appropriately... It's like this: 'What's more, people who are..." And the problem of your third paragraph is that it almost makes me feel this paragraph is the extention of second paragraph...Your first sentence of this paragraph is very likely to misguide readers so I suggest you write a clearer thesis sentence like "What's more, for people who are farmers an agriculture center nearby could do them great favor."

3. It should be "More importantly ". This paragraph and the third one actually belongs to one point: the benefits for farmers brought by agriculture center. I think you can combine them into one paragraph to make your essay look concise.

4. You should at least repeat and emphasize your preference in your last sentence, don't you think?

After all I like your ideas and I see you've already made progress in such few days...Good luck!
OP Keng 39 / 134  
Dec 16, 2009   #3
I think it is the best feedback to improve my writing skill.
HarmonSa 6 / 13  
Dec 17, 2009   #4
You are welcome...I once met a same situation as you did last year when I prepared for my Toefl. You've made progress and I am sure you if you keep doing this-write an essay per day-for no more than a week you will get your "Good" in writing section(I actually got 27). Anyway, although I'm working on my application I will give you feedback as long as I have time.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Dec 18, 2009   #5
Hello my friend! In conclusion, that whether people use the research center for business or agriculture depends on their preference.

You use "whether" when you write about something that is like this or like that. I don't know whether you understand or not. Whether or not you use the research center depends on your interests. Whether you use it for business or agriculture depends on your preference.

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