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"A government's role" - academic writing test IELTS to be correct


Pinklemon 1 / 1  
Jul 20, 2009   #1
Hello everybody.
I'm going to attend the Ielts exam in two days time. I know that my level is very low but I aim to take a 5.5 mark.

A government's role is only to provide defence capability and urban infrastructure (roads, water supplies, etc..). All other services (education, health, social security) should be provided by private groups or individuals in the community.

There is always much debate about the Government's role.
Which kind of services should be provide by the government and which by the community will be discuss in this essay.

It could be true that, since the government has a complete view of a country, provide defence capability and urban infrastructure is its main duty. This services are expensive and complicated in logistic, indeed they require an amount of funds and a number of workers which only the government can afford.

With its large view of a country or a city, the government may not see the problems or lacks of a particular community.
That is why a range of services should be provide by a group of people in a community. This group of people would probably have a closer view of the problems as well as a better knowledge of the inhabitants.

However, if the government does not care about this social group, they might not do a proper work. In the same way, a community should try to sustain, economically speaking, itself, but always with an help from the government.

A possible solution could be a selection of people from the government who work together with social groups in a suburb. In this way the decisions will be take with two different points of view. Nobody knows better the situation of a suburb like the people who live in it. But, on the other hand, it is always a good idea to have someone who knows a city or a country in its widely complexity, for considering the whole situation and for learning from other's experience.

268 words

EF_Simone 2 / 1,987  
Jul 21, 2009   #2
First, let's talk about structure. You want to state your thesis -- the opinion that you will be arguing in the essay -- in your introduction. You also want to include a conclusion that restates the thesis and summarizes the arguments you have made.

One way to make sure that you do that is to make some notes for yourself before writing, listing the arguments you will make in the essay. This way, you will know what you are going to be saying in the rest of the essay when you write your introduction.

Also, watch your time and be sure, when the time begins to run out, to at least quickly write a concluding paragraph that, at minimum, reiterates your thesis.

Now, let's look at grammar:

Which kind of services should be provide by the government and which by the community will be discuss in this essay.

Here, your problem is that the sentences is sort of backwards. Instead, you could have said, "In this essay, I will discuss..." or "This essay will discuss..." That would then provide the opportunity, in the next sentence, to state your thesis, "I will argue that..."

In general, try to write simple sentences that begin with the subject and verb rather than placing the verb late in the sentence or leaving the subject unstated.
trangquynh 4 / 20  
Jul 21, 2009   #3
The introduction should consist of 3 sentences. I think the conclusion should focus on the topic given. You should be careful when widening the idea at the end. To be safe, I think you should just reconsider your points and make your opinion clearer.

Does the question ask for discussing or your opinion about the matter? Looking at the topic, I may construct my essay like this:

Introduction: state general statement abt the topic. Then, state 2 points. then thesis statement to show what you are going to do in your essay

BODY:
First para: what if the government only provide defence capacity and urban instructure without providing health and education services ( Advantage of this: αΊ½; More money on this, better road, building, bridges...)

Second para: On the other hand, what if health and education services are only provided by private organisations (disvantage: forexample high costs, hard for poor people to access)

Conclusion: citizens needs all of these services-> equally important. It is the responsibility of the government to care for that. In my opinion, both the government and private organisations should participate in the provisions...

Actually, for me, it is not an easy topic to write. However, the most important thing is that you should give a clear answer which contains relevant ideas and examples to the topic!

Hope you will do well in the coming test!
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Jul 24, 2009   #4
Instead, you could have said, "In this essay, I will discuss..." or "This essay will discuss..."

Of course, you should avoid using these constructions in any event, whether at the beginning or end of your essay. Don't tell us what you are going to talk about. Just start right in talking about it.

Also, try to ground your general discussion of the topic with specific examples. So, after stating one reason why government should or should not provide services in general, talk about a particular service, and look at why government should or should not be involved in providing it.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,987  
Jul 24, 2009   #5
Of course, you should avoid using these constructions in any event, whether at the beginning or end of your essay. Don't tell us what you are going to talk about. Just start right in talking about it.

That's good advice for real writing, but unfortunately basic composition teachers and writing test readers are sometimes looking for a clearly identifiable thesis statement of that variety.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Jul 24, 2009   #6
I imagine the test readers have a lot of material to cover, and will be grateful to read any essay that doesn't contain a bunch of unnecessary phrases. If one is writing for a teacher who has specifically requested a thesis of that sort, then naturally one must follow instructions.
OP Pinklemon 1 / 1  
Aug 3, 2009   #7
Thank you everybody for your help!! I'm going to have my result tomorrow!
Anyway, I understood that in the Ielts test you shold say what you are going to talk about in the introduction. I know that in the "real" writing you will never write useless information like that, but the Ielts test has very strict rules so be careful when you correct an essay, if you don't know how is working you could give wrong advise (wrong for the ielts of course, good for life :)!)
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Aug 4, 2009   #8
I understood that in the Ielts test you shold say what you are going to talk about in the introduction.

You should always say what you are going to talk about in your introduction. That's what makes it an introduction. But, you don't need to actually open with "in this essay I will talk about," precisely because it is understood.


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