In some countries, an increasing number of people are suffering form health problems as a result off eating too much fast food. It is therefore necessary for governments to impose a higher tax on this kind of food.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
government policy toward health care
An opinion is put forward whether raising tax for fast food should be implemented in order to minimize potential health risks related to this kind of food. This essay firmly agrees with the government's policy on levying a tariff on junk food as it not only brings better health for fast food consumers but also improves domestic health care system and public's awareness about fast food.
To begin with, consumers' health will be better when they eat less fast food. As buyers might reconsider buying fast food at a higher price, there is likely to be a decline in junk food consumption. The number of people suffering from diseases associated with fast food will gradually decrease. To clarify, people will have little possibility of suffering from such health concerns like diabetes, obesity and cancer as they no longer pose a threat to fast food consumers' health.
It is also believed that authorities' decision on imposing higher tax enhances the country's health care policy and people's perception about junk food. The money gained from taxes go straight to the government's budget. That revenue will be spent to establish medical programs, voluntary charities to support victims having health concerns regarding to ready-to-use food. Campaigns against the use of convenience food could be an effective way to raise people understanding on how it can adversely affect our health.
All things considered, the governmental bodies should work towards this policy due to its effectivess in reducing health concerns, strengthening health care structure and raising public awareness in terms of fast food.
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Thao, your opening statement would have been acceptable only if it did not contain a tremendously long run-on sentence, as well as a mistaken discussion statement. The opening statement should have at least 3 sentences in it that introduce the topic, give the discussion instructions, and introduces the method of discussion of the essay. Hence:
There are some countries that have seen a rise in health problems due to its population's increasing amount of fast-food intake. This is fast becoming a problem for governments. In order to curb this problem, it has been suggested that the government must impose a fast-food tax. I am in total agreement with this opinion and the reasons why I support it will be discussed below.
The essay cannot agree with the statement because the essay is not writing itself. You are writing the essay. Therefore, it is your opinion that needs to be stated. Don't be afraid to use first person pronouns in that instance.
In the first paragraph, the correct formation of the word is consumers not consumers'. You are using the plural form of the word so adding an S at the end is all that is required. Additionally, your clarification served to only confuse the readers. Stick to one reason and fully develop it, do not change discussions midstream. That is not going to help your score. You did not accurately explain your meaning when you added that information at the end of the paragraph.
The final paragraph, the concluding statement, is discussing additional information. Don't do that. The closing statement should merely restate the discussion topic, repeat your opinion, and then summarize the discussion points in order to remind the reader of the overall discussion. That will serve as the closing statement for the essay. No information should be discussed because you are only allowed 3 body paragraphs with which to discuss information related to the topic. You cannot go beyond that number of paragraphs for reasoning in a Task 2 essay.