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government should spend as much money as possible on developing technology


thinhtvdhtm 41 / 97  
Oct 13, 2009   #1
please check for my grammar, sentence structure and ideas. i try to read several times but i cannot find out my mistakes, thanks so much for your comments

Some people think that governments should spend as much money as possible on developing or buying computer technology. Other people disagree and think that this money should be spend more on basis needs. Which opinion do you agree with? Use specific details and reasons to support your answer

Nowadays, we cannot deny that development in technological field called golden field has made our lives become better than ever before; therefore, some people consider that government should invest as much money as possible in developing and buying computer technology. Personally, I obviously disagree with those people for several reasons which will be analyzed in this essay.

To begin with, without a high qualified labor force, developing and buying computer technology seem to be in little use, so government should spend more money for improving education system. It is certain that a country cannot develop as well as create high technology if they do not educate and train about information technology engineering. In fact, some countries choose other way to develop technology: buying soft ware as well as equipment from developed countries. However, no matter how developed those products are, if labor force are not educated and trained well, they seem to be little useful.

Furthermore, humankind has confronted with many problems such as diseases, disasters which need to be solved as soon as possible. Government should spend more money to improve health systems in order to upgrade living standard. They should use money to train more health workers as well as supply medicines free for poor people, especially in mountainous and remote areas; there is lack of health workers, medicines and equipment for treatment. In addition, the changes in global climate result in more disaster occur; thus, government should spend more money to take some measures such as reproduce forests to prevent severe damage by disasters like floods, erosions and droughts. Moreover, pollution is an urgent problem needed to be solved. Government should invest money to improve public transportation service to reduce waste from vehicles, and for researching to find alternative like green energy.

In conclusion, although development technology help people have better lives, I believe that it will be better when government spends more money to meet basis needs in the life.

orlando 13 / 94  
Oct 14, 2009   #2
..., so governments should spend more money on improving education system.

Moreover, pollution is an urgent problem needs to be solved.

although development in technology helps people have better lives,...

Just a few I noticed but moderators will do a better job than me.

Good luck
mikesperry79 2 / 9  
Oct 14, 2009   #3
Your have some grammar errors in this essay, but I would do some revision before I worried about that. Here are some pointers to help you get started.

I think you need to try and focus the introduction a little more. You start our saying, "we cannot deny" and finish with "I obviously disagree." I think you might be bouncing around a little too much here. The introduction should prepare the reader for the ideas you are going to be presenting. I would also leave out "for several reasons which will be analyzed in this essay." This is not a strong thesis statement. You do not need to say you are going to be analyzing the reasons. Instead, make a strong statement that summarizes the points you are going to be addressing. After reading your statement, the reader should already know that you are going to be discussing your reasoning in further detail.

The body of you essay has some great points, but I would try to expand on this a little by picking one more topic to discuss. Try to find another area you think government would be better off spending money on, and write a paragraph on it as well.

Furthermore, humankind has confronted with many problems such as diseases, disasters which need to be solved as soon as possible. Government should spend more money to improve health systems in order to upgrade living standard.

When writing a paragraph, you should think of the first sentence as a mini thesis statement. In this case, I think the second sentence better summarizes the paragraph.

The conclusion should be a paragraph that summarizes your arguments. You need more than one sentence to do this.

I think you are off to a great start, and you have some very interesting arguments. Once you do a little revising, I think you will have a much stronger essay, and then you will be ready to focus on grammar.


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