Hi, can you give me a grade to this IELTS essay?
Some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and this money could be better spent elsewhere.
To what extend do you agree with this view?
A portion of our society believes that government should use the money invested in arts to spent in public services. It is agreed that arts are important to the expression of a culture, therefore can't be forgotten by the governments. Firstly, this essay will discuss the importance of the arts to the population and, secondly, it will discuss the necessity of art's investment.
Arts are the mainly way to express the culture and the history moment of a society. By the pint, dance, music, literature, people can express their felling, their diversity and tell the history of an society or a political moment for other people from all over the world. For instance, in Brazil, during the dictatorship there were are many censorship, therefore the expression of artist were limited by the dictator. However, there were many artist who are fighting against the dictatorship who expressed hidden their arts by music, literature, dance. Some lyrics had the power to join and give hope for those who wanted to live in a democratic country. One music, in special, became famous due to deceive the faultfinder and got be approved. Nowadays this music which is called "Cálice" is studied in the most of history books and is a mark of the fight against the dictatorship.
Arts, also, are often poorly funded. Besides of the importance of public service to the society, arts can't be excluded of the public budget. Government should reserve a parcel of society income to invest in arts, therefore they are going to invest in the culture their own citizen and it maybe returnee economically with tourism . For instance, one of the portfolios of Brazil is the Carnival, which is a big party knowledge by all the world. The investment in the music, dance, paints and other types of arts during the Carnival attack million of people from different parts the world to Brazil.
Therefore, arts shows the culture of a society, a political moment, a history of a country. Thus, if government stop to spent money in theater, music, literature, dance they are going censor those artist in an indirect way and lose money with tourism.
i would like to focus on your introduction paragraph
here is my suggestion:
A portion of society believes that government should use the money invested in arts to spent in public services. In fact, arts are important to express local cultures and should be concerned by the government. This essay will discuss both the importance of the arts to the population and, the necessity of art's investment.
instead of making some complex sentences you should consider the understandable of your sentence.
A portion of our society believes that government should use the money invested in arts to spent in public services. It is agreed that arts are important to the expression of a culture, therefore can't be forgotten by the governments. Firstly, this essay will discuss the importance of the arts to the population and, secondly, it will discuss the necessity of art's investment.
According to your first paragraph, I re-write it and focus on clear and simpleness. I think it is better in the first paragraph for debatable essays.
Version 1:
Some people believe that government should invest money to improve public services rather than spending on arts. I agree with this view.
Version 2:
Some people believe that government should spend money on arts rather than investing to improve public services. I agree with this view.
For your rest of part, I think you may try to read more others essays that could help to choose vocabulary more accurate and improve sentence more natural.
Hi Bruna, WELCOME to the Essay Forum team, we aim to provide you with valuable feedbacks and modification that will definitely showcase a different approach to the prompt, this way you will be able to establish a well gathered and stronger essay.
Now, as I go through your essay, I immediately notice the lack of linking verbs, this verbs are very minor details that strengthens the sentences, though very minor, they are very important in creating the complete complete idea of your sentence. Having said that, please find a few suggested corrections below.
- A portion of our society believes that the government
- arts to spentspend ( mind your verb tenses too ) in public services.
- to the expression of aexpress ones culture,
- therefore, it should notcan't be forgotten
- by the governments .
- Firstly, thisThis essay will discuss
- and, secondly, it will discuss the necessity of art'sas an investment.
There you have Bruna, the above remarks are focused on the first paragraph and as you can see, there's quiet a lot of enhancements to be done, I hope you follow through with the modifications. Keep writing.
Arts are the mainly way to express the culture and the history moment of a society: i thinsk this express is not good .
literatue is accountable nouns.
