Topic: There are many governments that ban smoking in public places, and a great number of business also say that no one can smoke in any of their offices. However, others claim that without smoking, smokers and the economy will suffer from many disadvantages. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Here is my answer:
Some are in favour of the view that smoking in the public domain and workplaces should be prohibited by the governments. Others, however, contend that if there was no smoking, cigarette smokers and the economy will undergo numerous difficulties. I will elaborate on these differing views as well as elucidate my own personal insight.
Some people hold the opinion that the government should pass regulation of abandoning smoking at public places and places of work. Firstly, people who use cigarette tobaco is putting themselves at risk of suffering from cancer, strokes, heart diseases and a multitude of others relevant diseases. Not only do they damage themselves but also those who live nearby or often work with them will be harmed.This is called the passive smoking, which is more severe that active one. Secondly, garbage problem from smoking should be taken into account. Not many smokers throw away their cigarette into trash cans, instead of, they just litter the tobaco juice on the ground. This has an negative impact on and and leads to soil pollution.
On the other hand, the economy of cigarette tobaco would face up to many problems if the number of people consuming their products decreased gradually. In particular, many enterprises and companies producing cigarette tobaco was established in modern society and they form a huge part of the economic development in every country. If their goods did not gain in popularity, they would soon go bankrupt. This makes the economy more shrinking, which is the undesirablr thing to anyone.
To conclude, smoking itself has negative impacts on society, including many diseases and severely environmental problems, and its disadvantages outweight advantages. Banning smoking helps people suffer less disease as well as protecting environment. This is the best decision governments can make on this issue.
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Pham, this is a well discussed essay that needs only a few minor points for correction. For starters, I would like you to consider discussing only one reason per paragraph. Always opt to discuss only the strongest reason that you feel you can best reflect in the paragraph in order to create a better chance of lexical and coherence consideration. Additionally, your grammar accuracy will be better scored if you concentrate on representing only one line of thought in the paragraph. Note that in paragraph 2, you presented 2 reasons with the last reason not really being properly developed for discussion when compared to the first reason. The second reason was rushed and under developed in terms of reason strengths. It was weak and should not have been presented at all because it affected your grammar range score. The other problem with your essay that I want to call your attention to is the fact that you did not represent your opinion as a stand alone paragraph. The instructions were clear about that. You had to discuss both public opinions (first) and then your personal opinion (second). You indicated that you would be discussing your personal opinion in the opening statement, that was the right approach to the paraphrased statement. However, you failed to discuss your personal opinion in an obvious manner by stating "My opinion of the discussion is that..." in a separate paragraph. Do not tell me that you discussed it in the preceding paragraphs because these were your personal opinions. You won't have the liberty to defend your writing in an actual test. Follow the correct format. Indicate your personal opinion using the correct opening line in the paragraph like I previously indicated. Your personal opinion should not be in the concluding statement either as that is an academic violation. The conclusion cannot present information, it can only summarize the discussion. I hope that you will not commit the same mistakes in your upcoming essays.