Topic: In many countries, governments spend a large amount of money on improving Internet access. Why is it happening and do you think it is the most appropriate use of government money?
It is true that governments in various countries invest heavily in their Internet networks. There is a variety of reasons for this investment and I am of the opinion that it is not the most optimal use of governments' budgets.
To begin with, governments of many nations aim to enhance the Internet access for a number of reasons. Firstly, as the Internet provides a tremendous amount of information, citizens could gain more knowledge and widen their horizons. Online courses, for instance, enable Internet users to gain degrees in different fields. Another significant benefit of improving the Internet access is that it aids governments to promote their activities more widely. It can be seen that a piece of news could possibly go viral once it is uploaded on the Internet, especially on the social media. Governments could utilize this technique to make their campaigns such as breast cancer prevention widely recognised.
Despite the above advantages of the Internet has to offer, I am strongly convinced that the investment in Internet access is not the most optimal use. In fact, there are many other key sectors that urgently need governments' subsidies. Healthcare system, for example, should be enhanced since they have enormous impact on citizens' health. Another key sector that requires governments' considerable investment is the national security system. If their security systems are strong, governments could guarantee a more secured life to every citizen. For these reasons, governments should allocate their budget for the key sectors that aims to solve the most critical issues within their nations.
In conclusion, governments of many nations across the globe are currently investing in enhancing the Internet access. However, I believe that this expenditure is not the most optimal use of governments' budgets.
Nguyen, remember that you need to write a proper title by mentioning that whether it is a TOEFL, IELTS, or other types of essays. I assume that this is a TOEFL essay due to the similar discussions which appear below your essay. Therefore, you can see my contributions in the detailed descriptions below.
1st paragraph (introduction paragraph):
- It is unfortunate that in this paragraph you didn't write any thesis statements. You only stated that "there is a variety of reasons" without mentioning the details what are the reasons. You need to explain it clearly by mentioning the keywords or key-phrase in your thesis statement. Remember, the first sentence is paraphrase the question, the second sentence is thesis statement, and the third sentence is the outline of the thesis statement.
4th paragraph (concluding paragraph):
- Both introduction and conclusion are the most essential part of the essay itself. Those are the parts that is going to be seen first rather than supporting paragraphs. Therefore, what you need to do in this paragraph is that first, paraphrase the thesis statement that you've mentioned in the introduction (it is already considered as the summary) and second, give your stance (answer) including the recommendation/hope/fear about the future. This indicates that you actually have broaden views about the topic which you can possibly discuss it further.
There you have it Nguyen, I hope you can gain some improvements in the next practice. Do not hesitate to ask if you need further assistance. Good luck for the next practice :)
Hi An, upon reading and understanding your essay, I must say that you have a very powerful conviction towards the opinions you have for the task at hand and KUDOS for that, not a lot of students are actually engrossed in such a topic as government budget, though I understand that one thing that makes it interesting is the fact that it also concerns todays generation, the usage of internet is absolutely useful not only to a particular group of people but to everyone. It bridges the gap in communication, reaching out far and wide in making our modern life more fascinating and interesting than ever.
While it is true that there are other more appropriate sectors of our community that needs more funding, I agree with your opinion that, strengthening the internet capability is not up to the government to shed its budget for, education, health and sustainability to live a comfortable life are just a few of the many issues that needs more focus and more funding from the government. In the end, the private sector will be able to manage the internet part of technology, this is their expertise and once they get it right, the tax that this companies pay the government are suppose to be able to help the country in other more pressing issues such as above and in addition, poverty.
Your essay depicts current events, it is very realistic and this is what a good essay is all about, we write the daily lives of people, our existence matters and technology should be secondary if not, it can even be at the bottom of the governments priority.
Hi ichanpants89, thank you so much for your feedback. My essay is an IELTS essay actually. I think I need to organise my intro and concluding paragraph better.
Apart from the introduction and concluding paragraph, could you please help me to correct my body paragraphs based on 3 criterion: coherence and cohesion, vocabulary and grammar? Again, thank you for your help! :)
Hi Justivy, thank you for your feedback!
And I can't agree with you more :) People's health, safety, education are the top priorities. Thus, governments should spend their money on these critical issues.
I would be grateful if you could correct my essay :) Are there any grammatical mistakes or wrong use of words? Thank you so much!
Hi An,
I am preparing IELTS now as well.
I thought your writing is good. I hope we can learning from each other.
Whether using some transitional words in your first paragraph and the beginning of third paragraph such as however in your last one would be better?
Keely
Hi An. You presented your ideas in a very clearly way. I really like the way you arrange your ideas, it is easy to folIow. You showed a good range of vocabulary. I have seached on the internet for a while about the followings. Hope that it helps :)
I think you should change the most optimal in to the optimal, as optimal itself means "best"
As far as i am concerned, it is better to say: have an enormous impact on citizens' health
If their security systems are strong, governments will be able to guarantee a more secured life to every citizen.
I am strongly convinced that the investment in Internet access is not the most optimal use approach
Coincidently, you and I wrote about the same topic. I am preparing for ielts, too. Hope that we can learn together :)
