TOPIC: [IELTS task 2]Some people think high school graduates should travel or work for a period of time instead of going directly to study at university. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of both approaches.
break from education
Before embarking on college, some young people are advised to have a trip or apply for a job for a short of time. The following paper will clarify that gaining experience is the biggest benifit of this and a reduced motivation to study is the primary drawback.
Travelling or working is one of the most possitive outside activities that will help student to widen their knowledge about the world. They can be taught how to live as an aldult and directly enjoy what happened around them instead of learning about it in theory by books. The Time recently reported that a timid America girl named J had a trip to Africa by herself in summer vacation, and then she came back with a lot of changes, from her apperance to her character. She's become much more confident and known exactly how to behave well with the others, especially her sisters.She can communicate with her friends and is in a good relationship now.
on the other word, despite these advantages, some of students often get used to working and travelling, so the do not agree to return to university. They are fond of all journeys and jobs they did as well as they can perceive the pressure and exhaution of study. The British goverment foud that 26% of students never come back to school after a gap-year.
In conclusion, taking a break from education can advantageous as it can allow people to learn some life skills and experience new things, however, it is a negatve issue if they do not keep on studying at college.
I think the following sentence should be revised because this is an essay of your opinion, it does not clarify the topic.
"The following paper will clarify that gaining ..."
Minh, your essay is replete with grammar errors stemming from sentence structures all the way to misspelled words. You do know that you are being scored for grammar range and vocabulary in this essay right? this lack of proof reading on your part would result in a failed score for your essay in an actual test because you have shown a lack of ability to spot your English grammar mistakes and correct them on the spot. You do not even bother to capitalize the first word of a new sentence, which is a standard English writing rule that nobody ever forgets to do. The mistakes in your spelling and grammar have made the essay very difficult to read and causes undue stress on the reader who has to mentally correct your essay in order to make sense of what you are trying to say. This is not a very good effort on your part and I sincerely doubt that you would get a passing score with this essay.
@Minh Thi : first I have to say that it is full of error (even with my English writing skill). You try to use complex structure/vocabularies but may be it is good to write simple sentence correctly first.
Below are some comments:
" for a short of time" => for a short period
"The following paper will clarify that ..." =>
The biggest benefit to them is practical experience gained while the downside of it would be the lost of motivation to continue study. Those paragraph below will discuss those in more details.
"Travelling or working is one of ..." => Travelling and working are activities that ( there is nothing like "outside activities", may be you want to say outdoor activities ...)
@lamabeto @Holt @kacanakya
thanks for your comments. They make me realize a lot of my error. I have to get high band for ietls test, so I tried to use many complex words, and then I don't take note of these error, sorry about that.
According to + source will lower your overall score due to the fact that the examiners are not keen on this type of explanation. Your references which are used as examples has shortened room for your further and more persuasive ideas. I suggest that you develop the skeleton first, listing out how many ideas for each paragraph and types of back up you will employ to support your proposal.