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graduation grieves me


Libra 3 / 4  
Jul 22, 2009   #1
Time goes away without being perceived. My junior high lifetime ended by today. Everything which was boring in my eyes now seemed different. We read the summary and all expressed a flow of sad. How many "6 years" will we spend in our whole life? But we're determined to spend this together, happily or sadly. Isn't it destiny?

We raised money for our teacher's presents. 4 monitors went out to the supermarket. In the 3rd class in the afternoon, I raised my head to see our class teacher standing at the door, attired in a new shirt, which I thought to be the present. All students shouted "too handsome". Surely he was, all the time. I can't really figure out what kind of countenance he had. Proud? Happy? Satisfied? Showing off?

It reminded me of his having said "I'm longing for your departure as soon as possible". According to Sabrina, one of the monitors, described the reactions when other teachers received our presents. All happy, no exception, even those who said unpleasant words of us. I think no matter how troublesome we felt, the bad feeling will disappear when we leave each other, only with sweet memory remaining. Let's treasure this time in the following 3 years.

schooler101 1 / 4  
Jul 22, 2009   #2
We raised money for our teacher's presents.
^who is we?

The sentence structure is a bit simplistic. I didn't see an fractions, but I didn't see any complexity either. This usually doesn't bother me but in this case the choppy sentences disturb the flow of the essay.

Try going more into detail in your story, the subject isn't quite clear and fix the sentence problem, then it should be pretty good.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Jul 22, 2009   #3
I find the choppy sentences and awkward phrasings add up to a kind of poetry. But, unfortunately, prose is the goal. Let me make some suggestions and hope that others will do the same.

My junior high lifetime ended by today. Everything which was boring in my eyes now seems different.

All of the students shouted, "too handsome! "

It reminded me of his having said, "I'm longing for your departure as soon as possible. "

According to Sabrina, one of the monitors, described the reactions when other teachers received our presents. All were happy, with no exceptions , even those who previously said unpleasant words about us.


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