[WT2] Grandparents should live together with their children and grandchildren or live independently?

Hello,
Please help me check this IELTS writing task 2 essay. Thanks a lot.
Essay Prompt:
Some commentators feel that grandparents should live together with their children and grandchildren, while others say that elderly people should be encouraged to live independently.

Consider the possible arguments on both sides of this debate, and reach your own conclusion.

Whether grandparents should live with their families or independently remains debatable. There can be plausible arguments for both sides, as we shall see.

On the one hand, the elderly should live with their families as part of some traditional beliefs which have been passed on from generation to generation. It is believed that as grandparents sacrificed their lives and enjoyments to make sure their children have a stable upbringing, it is the children's responsibility to take care of their parents when they can no longer work. Grandparents living independently or living in nursing homes may lead to social stigma, which sometimes can be the reason for mental decline in old people and even in other family members. Moreover, it is safer for old people to live with their family to avoid such problems as robbery or accidents.

On the other hand, those who support the idea of grandparents living on their own often claim that it would be beneficial for both family members and grandparents themselves as it helps create a more comfortable life for all. Many families nowadays are dual-income, which means both parents have to work and they may not have enough time to take care of their old parents. This often leads to old people feeling being left-out or worthlessness, and gradually often they would be depressed. Furthermore, it is also true that living independently or in special care centers, old people have more chance to talk to other people of their age which can bring them the perks of being able to socialize. Indeed, this is what old people often lack if they live with their children because they would be busy at work or at school the entire day.

In conclusion, although there might be some sound reasons for living in a big family, the better quality and more chances to communicate are the reasons why old family members should choose to live independently.

First: you shouldnt use the pronouns like: I, we, you in the essay.
Second: in the first main paragraph,you gave three reasons to support the first opinion but in the second one, it just has only one. you should balance the ideas of both sides.

Third: the conclusion should also include at least two sentences. And you should give your opinion clearer.
And: at work or at school....------> at work or school....
Anyway, your vocabulary is good.

Worthlessness: use worthless. U need an adj
should choose to live independently: don't overgeneralize it. Better say in my opinion

I think u can refer to words such as Consistency, Convenience, isolation, health and safety risks, Home maintenance, interacting with grandchildren, needing less sleep is a matter of controversy, interfering/disagreement on raising the children

The approach that you took to creating the paraphrase is a bit incorrect. While you did a good job restating the topic, you could have done better in presenting the reasons to the examiner. Rather than saying that there are plausible arguments on both sides, you should have instead, presented the topics for debate, the 2 sides of the discussion that you will be presenting. That way, you could have also indicated that based on the considerations, you will be presenting an explanation of your conclusion of facts towards the end of the essay.

The format for this essay is 5 paragraphs composed of:

Par. 1: Restatement + discussion summary
Par. 2: First public POV consideration
Par. 3: Second public POV discussion
Par. 4: Your opinion as to which side you support
Par. 5: Reverse summary conclusion

While you did give a generalized discussion, you failed to offer your personal opinion / conclusion based on the reasons you mentioned. As such, the essay is presenting an incomplete discussion to the examiner and will only be scored on 2 out of 3 discussion requirements.