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IELTS Graph: Changes in the birth rates of China and USA


BOMAT_IRA 29 / 40  
May 3, 2014   #1
The graph shows the alteration of birth rates compare between China and USA from 1920 to 2000.

Overall, the alteration of birth rates fluctuated slightly in the first data then decreased step by step in the last part every five years.

In China, every five years, alteration of birth rates to vary from 1920 to 1935 (approximately, from 10% to 15%). Next, it undergoes to decrease until 1940 about 5% then leveled off until 1945 before increased sharply until 1950 namely 20%. Afterwards, the rates of birth decreased step by step until 2000 with average number 2%.

In the other hand, in USA has data than almost same as in China. From 1920 to 1940, birth rates to fluctuate about 11% until 12% every five years. Then, the data declined sharply until 1945 that is 5%. Furthermore, the data started to rise sharply in 1950 around 15% and started to fall again in 2000 that is about 3%.



Eva Novita Sari 47 / 71 2  
May 3, 2014   #2
In China, every five years, alteration of birth rates to vary from 1920 to 1935 (approximately, from 10% to 15%)

You should put verb in this sentence
fikri 5 / 317 71  
May 4, 2014   #3
In On the other hand, in USA has/had data than almost same as in China.

what does the word 'than' mean? it means that there is a comparison.
SHanafi 120 / 415 93  
May 4, 2014   #4
The graph shows the alteration of birth rates compare between China and USA from 1920 to 2000.

...The line graph presents the birthing level of a-two major country during a period of 20 years, from 1920 to 2000

In the other hand,

... Please reminds that the correct one is "On the other hand".
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
May 7, 2014   #5
Why do you keep saying "alteration of birth rates" ? I don't get what you really mean :( The above para has lots of grammar errors and also clarity issues :(

In China, birth rate have fluctuated heavily during first 30 years from 1920 to 1935.

Next, it undergoes to decrease until 1940 about 5% then leveled off until 1945 before increased sharply until 1950 namely 20%. Afterwards, the rates of birth decreased step by step until 2000 with average number 2%.

You need to maintain past tense because these are figures that belonged to the past. Also, pay lots of attention to grammar and clarity of your sentences.
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
May 8, 2014   #6
As per the basic rule, a paragraph is a collection of related sentences dealing with a single topic.
You have one idea and several bits of supporting evidence within a single paragraph. To study how to organize body paragraphs, visit this link:
ielts buddy/ielts-writing-task-1.html
Coherence within a paragraph is crucial to IELTS writing. Why? Then learn the form of coherence


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