IELTS:The graph compares the number of visits: Pop Parade vs Music Choice

The graph presents the number of visits to two new music sites on the internet, during the period of 15 days.

One thing that clearly standds out is that on the first eleven days, the number of visits to Music Choice fluctuated between 20,000 and 40,000 except for the third day it it reached a peak of 60,000 visits.On the other hand, Pop Parade was highly above Music Choice with 120,000 hits on Day 1.Surprisingly Pop Parade reached the lowest point with 40,000 visits on Day 7.

Between days 11 and 15, the visits to Music Choice increased, reaching the highest point of 120,000 visits on Day 14.On Day 11, Pop Parade reached a point of almost 160,000 visits, whereas in days 12 and 13 the number of visits declined under 100,000.After that the number of visits to Pop Parade increased up to almost 180,000 on Day 15 while Music Choice showed a decline to around 70,000.

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Hello,

Very nice start, but there are still few elements that can be improved.
First, writing task one, should have at least 150 words. So it would be a an idea to add a conclusion at your essay.
Also as an opening you can begin by rewriting the title that you are giving using different language, and make a general comment on the statistics.

eg: The graph shows the number of people that visited two new music sites, during a period of 15 days.

Then you can make a general comment. eg: Overall the numbers are significantly high.
After that you can go on with comparisons, and explanations from the most interesting points from graph.

I hope that this will be helpful to you.

Good luck!

hi
you need to start properly explaning the graph.
in this it is a line graph
it is nice to mention the type of illustration - line , bar graph, pie chart , drawing
or in general illustration or picture

Thank you guys for your comments.But can you give me a score for this task?