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The graph - consumption of fish and meat in an European country - how much grams per week?

An Huynh 1 / -  
Nov 20, 2019   #1
Please read and give me some feedback about this paragraph-task 1 in IELTS. Thank you so much for your comments.

trends of food consumption

The given line graph illustrates the spending fish and three various types of meat in a country in Europe over a 25-year period.

Overall, it is noticeable that there was a downward trend in the figures for most consumption of food, excepting chicken expenditure. The fish consumption was lowest throughout the period shown.

It can be seen from the graph that in 1979, the amount of beef was consumed peaked at about 220 grams per person per week. The figure for lamb and chicken were lower, which stood at 150 grams and under 150 grams respectively. By contrast, the consumption of fish was low around 60 grams in this year.

By 2004, country witnessed a decline sharply about the expenditure of beef, which about 250 grams, which reached a peak at 250 grams in 1983. In the year 2004, about 50 grams of fish was eaten, compared to 40 grams. By contrast, there was a significant growth about the consumption of chicken about 250 grams in the final year.

Cuong Trinh 2 / 4  
Nov 20, 2019   #2
I think your essay is so good, but it will be better if you do so:
- First, use In contrast grammatically instead of By contrast.
- Second, I think the final paragraph, you should summarize overall pattern.
I hope it will helpful! Cheers!!!
Maria - / 1,098 389  
Nov 20, 2019   #3
@An Huynh
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I hope my feedback gives you insight on how to improve your writing.

First and foremost, I agree with the prior comment that the last paragraph should always be dedicated to writing a summation or an analysis on the data presented; this shouldn't be about presenting additional information as that is not the purpose of conclusion.

Rather than having information spread out like this, I heavily suggest that you work on compartmentalizing details a lot more. For instance, the second to the fourth paragraphs could all be mashed together to create something that's more substantive. This will give you ample space to discuss more on the conclusion what should be discussed here. Always remember to omit excessive language as it will not benefit you in the long-run. Try to also stick with only what is necessary when writing as this will help you trim down the total words that you're turning in.

Prioritization is key when writing - bear this in mind at all times.
sleepyshamrocks 4 / 6 4  
Nov 23, 2019   #4
By In 2004, the country witnessed a decline sharply sharp decline about in the expenditure of beef.

"...which about 250 grams, which reached ..." I don't really understand this part. Try reword it as "...in the expenditure of beef, which reached a peak at 250 grams in 1983," as to not repeat the information.

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