The graph illustrates about life's trouble when people decide to go abroad. From that graph as we know all people have equal trouble, consist of education, healthcare, and economy. Overall, the lowest problem for people when live in other country is finding education institution for their children.
As can be clearly seen, people who sorting out finance when 18 to 34 years old is highest at approximately 33 percent. In contrast, between people who have old 35 until 54 and over 55 is sorting out healthcare.
Aged of people who find school for children are increase extremely from 6 percent in 18-34 years old to 18 percent in 35-54 percent, and after that fell rapidly in over 55 years old by 15 percent. The percentage of sorting out healthcare become the highest in people who have old 35-54.
From that figure we know that people who have more problems when 35 until 54 years old. Moreover, they has the highest percent in all problems.
Alfin, it is unfortunate that your overview is unclear because you didn't select the appropriate information of the chart given (if there is a chart, but actually there isn't) . Mentioning only the highest/lowest data would not help you achieving a better overview. Thus, you can only get 5 for task achievement.
For coherence and cohesion, I might say that this can only reach 5 due to inadequate, inaccurate or over-use cohesive devices. For instance, you have accidentally addressed "overview" several times. Mentioning "as we all know, overall, as clearly be seen, we know that" would make your cohesive devices redundant and inaccurate or over-use. Also, some words repetitiveness such as "highest" and "sorting" also make this essay can only reach 5. You can substitute them by using synonyms and rephrase them by altering from active into a passive one.
Without reading further, it is quite clear that this essay can only reach 5 or even worse if you keep making the same mistake in the next practice. Hope this would be helpful :)
Hi alfin, these are my thought towards your essay (partly)
firstly, you should have to include your image regarding to the topic, it will help us to examine your essay.
secondly, you have to make sure your total words are at least 150.
From that graph,
as we know all people have equal troubles , consist ofsuch as education, healthcare, and economy.
As can be clearly seen, people who sorting out finance when ...
[ i have an alternative sentence : to begin with, people who are sorting finance when they 18 to 34 years old had the highest level at approximately 33 percent]
1. Overall, the lowest problem for people
when live in other countries is finding education ...
2. it can be clearly seen that people
who sorting out finance at 18 to 34 years old are the highest percentage at approximately 33 percent.
3. In contrast, both of people who (...) and over 55 are sorting out healthcare.
4. Aged of people who find school for children are an extreme increase from 6 percent (...) 35-54 percent, and it is a rapid fall in over 55 years old by 15 percent.
better for you to input this picture because reader has weakness to write your essay
Hi alfinkurnia, let me give you some suggestion
1. Please includes the picture to understand about your essay.
2.. ... when live in other
countrycountries is finding education ...
other should be followed by plural noun. So you cannot use 'country' because it is singular. Chang it into plural (countries)
3. ... when 18 to 34 years old
isare highest at ...
It is about singular and plural. 'People' is plural, hence you have to use 'are' as plural verb.
Thank you, Keep writing
i think you need more information on the topic, include pictures for a clearer understanding and prove read
Hello Alfin, let me give my correction for you
... for people when
liveliving in other country is ... Agedage of people who find the school (you mean "age" because "aged" not right in early word of the sentence" and "school" need article "the")
hashave the highest percent ... ( "they" is plural subject, so you must use plural verb too")