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IELTS Task 1: The graph shows the information about the UK birth rate from 1973 to 2008.


Minh2903 2  
Aug 6, 2018   #1
Hi everyone, I would really appreciate that you will take a look at my essay and so I really hope to receive your comments and feedback about my writing skill and score it if possible. Thank you so much for your help. Have a nice day.

statistics of the birthrate in the uk



The line graph compares the changes in the birth rates among UK women in 6 age groups between 1973 and 2008.

As conspicuous from the statistics, there was a downswing trend in the birth rates in under-30 and over-40 age groups. Additionally, an opposite inclination was observed in the remaining groups.

In 1973, the highest birth rate was recorded among women who were 25-29, at 140 per thousand people. After several fluctuations, this figure modestly went down to exactly 120 and still retained its dominant position by 2008. Meanwhile, for women aged 20-25, the number of births decelerated rapidly by roughly 30 to hit the bottom at 90. This was considerably higher than the figure for women under 20, which declined steadily by 20 to 40 after nearly 4 decades. Among under 40-year-olds, the birth rate dropped slightly from 20 to 10.

In contrast, the birth rate for 30-35-year-old women increased gradually from 70 to over 80 in 2008. Over the same period, there was also a growth in the 35-39 age group, slowly rising from 40, then abruptly surging to hit a peak of 62.

(182 words)




Holt [Contributor] 1595  
Aug 7, 2018   #2
Minh, always make sure that you have a complete summary of information presented in the opening summary paragraph. In this essay you presented the type of graph and the reason for the measurements. You made a mistake in the reference to the years indicated. These are not consecutive years as you imply (1978-2008) but rather, a comparison rate based on a half decade or 5 year data measurement. That is an error in presentation that will lower your TA score due to inaccuracies or lacking information presentation. You also did not indicate that the age groups presented range from 25-40 years of age and over. I cannot repeat this often enough, if the information is in the chart and is highlighted by color or writing style, it must be presented in the summary information presentation in order to increase the TA score.

You have one too many sentences here that can qualify as the trending statement for this essay. For clarity, you should present a single trending sentence at the end of the summary overview, after you indicate what the instructions for the survey is. Your last paragraph falls short of the 3 sentence requirement. You need to increase your writing to 3-5 sentence per paragraph so that your GRA score can be increased along with the C&C presentation.

For this essay, your overall score could fall under the bracket of 4-4.5 based upon the TA and paragraph formatting considerations.
Red Moon 2  
Aug 7, 2018   #3
Hi, I'm not a native speaker, but I'm glad to help you with this essay.
Your paragraphs are well-structured and easy to understand, so overall you have a good essay.

For the overview, in my opinion, you should mention the 30-35 and 35-40 age groups first because there are only these 2 groups with an upward trend, while there are much more groups with the downward trend, which should be included in the remaining groups. If I were you, I would write:

"There was an upward trend in the birth rates in the 30-35 and 35-40-year-old age groups, while the opposite movement was observed in the remaining groups."

There are some mistakes that I would like to fix in your essay:

"As conspicuous from the statistics, there was a downswing trend in the birth rates in under-30 and over-40 age groups. Additionally, an opposite inclination was observed in the remaining groups."

"downswing trend"
It sounds unnatural for me. It should be "downward trend" or "downswing".
Additionally
It is fine, but if you want to talk about a contrast, you should use other linking verbs.

dominant position in 2008.

the number of births decelerated ...
You should use "decline" or "fall", because "decelerate" means that a figure is still growing, but at a slower pace and may stop in the future.

Among over 40-year-olds, the birth rate ...

... age group, slowly rising from 40 births until 1988, when the figure suddenly surged to around 62 in 2008.

I wouldn't use "the peak" or "the bottom" when it happens at the end of the period.
OP Minh2903 2  
Aug 7, 2018   #4
Thank you all for the details review, I would correct and define my writing based on your feedbacks.


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