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The graph shows Japanese people's average monthly salary (thousands of Yen or ¥) from 1953 to 1983,

elwynht 2 / -  
Jun 8, 2022   #1

the proportion of salary in Japan to the price of tv receiver

Task: The graph shows Japanese people's average monthly salary (thousands of Yen or ¥) from 1953 to 1983, and the prices of black and white television and color television during the same period.

The given line chart illustrates Japanese citizens' average income per month between 1953 and 1983, and the value of two kinds of TV during the same period.

On the whole, the payment for a black and white TV and a color TV observed a downward trend while the reserve could be seen in the average individual earnings in Japan. Additionally, a color TV cost more than a black and white one.

In particular, the amount of money that Japanese people paid for a black and white TV declined exponentially from ¥110 thousand in 1953 to ¥40 thousand in 1963 before a moderate drop to ¥20 thousand in 1983. Likewise, a color TV's valuable also fell rapidly from ¥100 thousand to ¥60thousand between 1963 and 1973, followed by a minimal decrease to ¥48 thousand at the end of the period.

Conversely, the Japanese monthly personal salary mostly reached a plateau at ¥20 thousand from 1953 to 1963 after which it went up minimally to ¥30 thousand in the next ten years. Subsequently, it rocketed to nearly ¥70thousand in 1983 which overwhelmed the price of two kinds of TV.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 13,033 4249  
Jun 8, 2022   #2
3 problems in the summary overview alone:

1. An apostrophe or apostrophe S is not used when indicating the plural form of a word. It is not a proprietorial mention.

2. There should be a mention of the Yen, as in thousands of Yen, as the salary currency to clearly indicate the fiduciary value and currency of the salaries.

3. The presentation should have been seperated into several stand-alone sentences to clearly reference the provided information. Run-on sentences do not represent proper simple, complex, and compound sentence variations and cause severe GRA deductions.

There are LR problems as well that show an unfamiliarity with English word meaning and usage:

Wrong: reserve - to keep back or save for future use, disposal, treatment
Right: reverse - opposite or contrary in position, direction, order, or character

Wrong: valuable - having considerable monetary worth; costing or bringing a high price:
Right: value - monetary or material worth, as in commerce or trade

Look up the meaning of overwhelmed to understand why it is also a wrong word choice for the sentence. These are but a few of the word usage problems that will result in LR deductions.

Home / Writing Feedback / The graph shows Japanese people's average monthly salary (thousands of Yen or ¥) from 1953 to 1983,