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A great thing for all students to have the chance to study arts and music in secondary school


Bucky16 1 / 1 1  
Nov 11, 2016   #1
All students should be required to study art and music in secondary school. - TOEFL Essay

In my opinion it would be a great thing for all students to have the chance to study arts and music in secondary school. In school I've done both and I can tell that they have helped me achieve a lot. Even though many students would like to only study inartistic subjects at school, there are several reasons why I support the contrary.

First, during these lessons students have the chance to express themselves. Some of the students may think they have no talents, but this way they can find out more about themselves and develop skills they never could think of. For example, the music classes made me fall in love with the guitar which I could have never imagined I could play in a near future.

Second, music and art help you have another perception of the world. Both of them develop your patience and help you see the world more colorfully while eliminating boredom. I could take myself for instance again because I'm a painter and art has helped me become more optimistic and always think positively. I see art as a filter which helps me see the world more vividly.

Third, these classes could be a good chance to create new relations. You can be part of a painting club or a band and enjoy the time that you spend with friends with the same interest but diverse viewpoints. For example, In middle school I was part of the painting club and now in high school I'm part of its band where I play electric guitar. Consequently, this has helped me make a lot of new friends and become more outgoing.

To sum up, art and music are a world where everybody could fit in. They help you in many aspects of life so if you study them in secondary school they could really have an impact on you. Moreover, spending your time with useful things like them would be more effective than playing video games at home.

Holt - / 7,530 2001  
Nov 11, 2016   #2
Erlisa, next time you post an essay for review, please make sure that you include the full prompt that you are responding to. We need the prompt instructions so that we can assess your essay for responsiveness and coherency. The prompt itself at the moment gives a personal opinion alone and I am not quite sure if only the personal opinion should be reflected in the paper.

That small situation aside though, the essay takes its strength in being delivered based upon your personal experiences. Whenever possible, it helps the essay score when such points of view are used because it shows a clear understanding of the prompt. It increases the chances of your scoring higher in the Task Achievement portion when the essay stays on topic and provides all the prompt requirements. I believe that you would have scored well on this prompt as a practice test based upon what you have written, with deductions in place for certain shortcomings which, at the moment, I cannot ascertain due to the lack of the prompt so I cannot tell you the specific problems areas to concentrate on improving.
OP Bucky16 1 / 1 1  
Nov 13, 2016   #3
@Holt
I truly agree with what you mentioned and I apologize for the lack of clarification. To be honest it's my first time posting in this site so I just thought of making a try.

However, thank you very much for your advice and evaluation.
The full prompt goes like this: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? All students should be required to study art and music in secondary school. Use specific reasons to support your answer.

It's a task my English teacher gave me to prepare for the TOEFL.
It just asks for specific examples so I thought of sharing my own personal experience to make it more reliable.


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