Unanswered [0] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 2

There is now greater equality for women compared to those in the past fifty years.


Pey28 8 / 13 1  
Feb 8, 2016   #1
The position of women has changed a great deal in many societies over the past 50 years But these societies cannot claim to have achieved gender equality. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There is now greater equality for women compared to those in the past 50 years. They alter their position in several societies to become more important than ever. Despite the negative issues for females in developing countries, I stand to agree that today women have equal opportunity as men to participate in crucial areas, such as politics, educations, and business.

Regarding to the first notion, women are still seen as a weak person in classical stereotype in traditional people, especially in developing countries. The traditional way of thinking that women should spent their time in their home still exist in many remote area, like in several countries in middle east or south east Asia. For example, some culture in Indonesia still obligate the females to accompany their husband and do some house working such as washing clothes, cooking, cleaning, and the most common, growing children. This condition tend to restrict their freedom in major aspect. As a result, women in this case still have not any rights to gain a good education for participate in various career.

Turn to other view, nowadays, people see the many great females in major area. It is hard to find a gap between men and women since they have equal rights and same proportion to contribute in society. As a fact, there are many women who in love in politics, especially in modern country. According to the result of European elections in 2014, women reach almost 40% distribution in parliament, while one country have more than 60% ladies in the government. In addition, Women also have more freedom to show their creativity in sciences, which experienced on many publications in various fields. Moreover, there are plenty public company which is led by women. People this day knows Ranjini Poddar of Artech Information System, Shazi Visram of Happy Family Company, or even Marissa Mayer as the CEO of Yahoo.

To sum up, it is true that there are still sustain the traditional concepts which exist in developing countries. However, women in this age, achieved gender equality in many ways like in parliament, research centers, or even in companies.

EF_Carol - / 145 39  
Feb 8, 2016   #2
I stand to agree...

I agree...

You don't need to be excessively verbose to make a good impression. It's better to have the right word choice!

growing children...

raising children...

This is the proper way to express that thought. The word choice is more classical!

I think your essay shows great promise! However you need to firm it up in two areas: word choice and the conclusion.

In word choice, you need to reread with a dictionary and thesaurus and check your selections to see if they are correctly used. For the conclusion, you need to expand it to include more of the ideas from the body paragraphs. It's way too short!

The conclusion is supposed to capture the ideas of the essay and repeat them, like the intro.

Good start, but needs some work. Just apply the changes I indicated and proceed to check things out with the dictionary.

ef_carol


Home / Writing Feedback / There is now greater equality for women compared to those in the past fifty years.