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A greater proportion of the budget should be allotted to education and prevention issues - IELTS


zittr 1 / 3  
Sep 24, 2014   #1
"Prevention is better than cure". Out of a country's health budget, a large proportion should be diverted from treatment to spending on health education and preventative measures. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? ( You should write at least 250 words.)

In today's world, the concept of the welfare state requires governments to provide sustainable healthcare and health education to their citizens. I completely agree with the idea that governments should devote a greater portion of their health budgets to health education and means for precautions.

The first reason why education and preventative measures should receive a greater budget is the potential improvements in health system. I believe that decreasing the number of patients in the health system can lead hospitals and healthcare centers to be managed effectively which will result in better treatments for current patients. Therefore, society should be educated and became aware of health issues so that the potential precautions on the way of illnesses can be taken instead of trying to provide treatment for the increasing number of patients.

The second reason why governments should allocate more budget on prevention from illness and providing health education is the welfare of the society. In my opinion, there is nothing more important than health in a human's life and the happiness and welfare come with health. Therefore, a government's role should be providing means that lead its citizens to learn how to prevent from potential illness that can cause misery in people's lives. For example, the marketing campaign of Ministry of Health in Turkey which aimed smoking problem among the youth increased the well-being of those who quit smoking and adapted a better lifestyle after the campaign.

In conclusion, a greater proportion of the budget should be allotted to education and prevention issues in comparison with treatment due to achieve more effective health system and greater level of well-being.

Thank you for the feedbacks.

Vns9x 102 / 236 16  
Sep 24, 2014   #2
Add examples or try to extend your essay little bit more=) good job
OP zittr 1 / 3  
Sep 24, 2014   #3
Dear Shon,

Thank you for the feedback! What band score would I get with this essay ?

I will try to add more examples next time within the limits cause it was already 266.
brty 2 / 9  
Sep 24, 2014   #4
Nice structure and writing for IELTS Task II!

Conclusion could be longer and comprehensive.
OP zittr 1 / 3  
Sep 24, 2014   #5
Thank you!

With all my respect, I think conclusion paragraph is quite enough & comprehensive for IELTS TASK 2.
william731 18 / 43 13  
Sep 24, 2014   #6
I think we are required to present three reasons for opinion type essays.
ritairianti 3 / 12 4  
Sep 25, 2014   #7
hey.. i will try give you for your essay :
1. You are really great when you explaining your essay.
2. You are standing with agree argument.
3. However, As I know if you want great band score, you should write your argument in the middle between agree and disagree.

keep going !! =)
OP zittr 1 / 3  
Sep 26, 2014   #8
Thank you for the feedback ritairiant! :)
Ptahh - / 1  
Sep 26, 2014   #9
The essay seems good, but you have to include both the historical and current perspectives of role of women in the society. Accordingly, proofread for a few grammatical mistakes and reference the essay
brty 2 / 9  
Sep 26, 2014   #10
rdingly, proofread for a few grammatical mistakes and reference the essay

Hello Ptahh! Thank you for the feedback however, I can't really agree with you upon the feedback.

First of all, if I add the historical and current perspectives of role of women in the society, I would probably reach more than 300-310 words which would ruin my score and harm the completeness of my essay.

On the other hand, I believe that we should make sure that our essay and topic are directly relevant to the question and support one side of the idea which is disagree in my essay instead of explaining the first sentence of the question.

Please correct me if I'm wrong and I would be grateful, if you could let me know about the grammer mistakes in the essay.

Thanks very much.
jojo159 1 / 4 2  
Sep 26, 2014   #11
Become aware of instead of became aware of
Otherwise, this is a very good IELTS essay. I would think this essay will likely get somewhere in the range 7-8.
brty 2 / 9  
Sep 26, 2014   #12
Thank you for the correction and feedback jojo159!
SAM2014 8 / 13 3  
Sep 26, 2014   #13
Did I miss anything? Your essay is about healthcare, but the task is about position of women in society. They are not related!
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,195 459  
Sep 27, 2014   #14
The first reason why e (This adds no value, so I delete)E ducation and preventative measures should receive a greater budget is the potential improvements in health system. (here, you should give an example, taken from some facts prior to raising your knowledge....) I believe that decreasing the number of patients in the health system can lead hospitals and healthcare centers to be managed effectively which will result in better treatments for current patients. Therefore, society should be educated and became aware of health issues so that the potential precautions on the way of illnesses can be taken instead of trying to provide treatment for the increasing number of patients.

The second reason why gG overnments should allocate more budget on prevention from illness and providing health education is the welfare of the society. In my opinion, there is nothing more important than health in a human's life and the happiness and welfare come with health. Therefore, a government's role should be providing means that lead its citizens to learn how to prevent from potential illness that can cause misery in people's lives . For example, the marketing campaign of Ministry of Health in Turkey which aimed smoking problem among the youth increased the well-being of those who quit smoking and adapted a better lifestyle after the campaign. As it can be seen from the example, this program helps society improve better life


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