Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 5


IELTS Task 2: The Greatest Challenge for Parents Who Had a lot of Children


fahmisadja 33 / 33 34  
Nov 4, 2015   #1
In many parts of the world, families were larger in the past because people had more children. Do you think there were more advantages or disadvantages to being part of a large family in the past?

In the past, there were several people to live with many members in home, so they had lots of children and big families. They felt comfortable even had to share everything with the members and took more advantages than possessed in a small family.

The greatest challenge for parents who had a lot of children was money. They tried hard to earn big incomes, so they could fulfill daily necessities of all the relatives. After their children in school ages, they had to spend more dollars to send them to qualified schools as education would very important for young generations in the future. Parents also needed money to build their houses larger to accommodate relatives, extended the rooms for them, and bought some stuffs. Moreover, parents had to pay more attention which was shared to their children. They might be difficult to managing their tasks of works and listening stories of their children.

However, I argue having bigger families give more benefits for people. Firstly, Children would learn about responsibilities when there were some activities in home because members could divide it. This character would bring them to be more mature. Owning large families also upgraded intelligence of individuals. For example, when they discussed some issues, they would give knowledge or views one and another. Finally, when children had grown up, parents would not feel lonely because the members would be more and bigger. Furthermore, the children could collaborate to work together.

To sum up, big family would give some problems money and attention in particular. On the other hand, I believe the advantages outweighed the drawback because it created stronger relationship, supported and helped each other when they got the problems.
fadh93 6 / 11  
Nov 4, 2015   #2
Hi Fahmi

I wil try to give a comment on how your idea is organised.

First, I am a bit confused with your position when I read your body. It seems you have neutral position on your body. Better if you only explain your second paragraph in advantage side and you make the third paragraph on body to emphasise the disadvantage. So, your position will be explained clearly. It is safer, I think.

Good luck!
Cheers
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Nov 4, 2015   #3
Masdar, when you develop your opening paragraph, keep in mind the parameters that were set by the essay prompt. That means, you should detail your paragraph to introduce the topic for discussion and your opinion on the matter. When an essay asks you whether you agree or disagree with an opinion, make sure to indicate that reason at the beginning of the essay. That opinion will set up the strong foundation of the succeeding paragraph discussions. In this case, you did not accomplish that task. In fact, the opening paragraph does not relate at all to the prompt provided. Maybe there are instances when you feel that you are not sure of what the prompt is asking you to discuss. Since you are still doing practice essays, ask for explanations. That is one way to help develop your comprehension skills. It is better to ask questions than to deviate from the prompt. Once you deviate from the prompt, you are sure to fail the test.

Instead of discussing the challenges faced by large families, you should instead be using that paragraph to present the opposing discussion facts of the essay. By presenting the reasons that the opposition support a point of view you will be able to point out the weakness of their reasoning, which will then strengthen your own position in the discussion. So, you should be discussing the reasons that people believed that having a big family was advantageous or disadvantageous in the past. You should end the paragraph by introducing your disagreement or agreement with the discussion.

From that point, you will be discussing from a position of strength. Use the pronoun I whenever possible in order to give a sense of conviction and belief in what you are saying. Your conclusion should be easy from that point. All you have to do is wrap up the discussion with a summary and repetition of your point of view.
Nofrinorman 27 / 17 8  
Nov 5, 2015   #4
Let me correct your writing task on the conclusion...

On the other hand, I believe the advantages outweighedthe drawback because it created stronger ...
akbarmappiare 31 / 469 275  
Nov 5, 2015   #5
Hello Mr. Fahmy, I will give a suggestion. You should be carefully to use "Have/Has/Had", you must differentiate "Have to verb or not"..

Keep spirit...!!!

After their children in school ages, they had to (because "had" is not a verb) spend more dollars to send them to qualified schools as education would very important for young generations in the future.


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: The Greatest Challenge for Parents Who Had a lot of Children
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳