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Writing Task 2: The growing amounts of sugar-based drink consumption. Reasons and Solutions?


thanhtrung97 5 / 11 3  
Nov 9, 2020   #1
Q:

People are having more and more sugar-based drinks.


What are the reasons? What are the solutions to make people drink less?
A:
In recent decades, there have been a growing amount of consumed sugar-based drinks in many countries. Although this trend could cause negative effects on customer's health, the government and healthcare workers can solve this habitual and health problem in some particular ways.

There are many reasons leading to that trend. First, since the media and advertising influence a lot on our decision of choosing a type of beverage, giant companies of drinks can rely on that psychological effect to drive young people using their products without any attention to their health. In fact, in most advertisements of Monster energy drinks appearing on media every day, they only provide immediate effects on our brain to keep us awake and feel energized, but they do not mention about long-term negative effects on our cardiovascular system proven in many studies. Second, due to the availability, low price of sugar-contained drinks, people easily afford one whenever they are thirsty. For example, after participating in a football match under hot weather, players can have some Redbul energy drinks sold in a store next to their playing field to satisfy their thirst and also pump up their energy.

On the other hand, there are also many solutions to curb consuming this type of drink. Healthcare providers and government can work together to educate people about the effect of sugar-based drinks through media. For instance, an online campaign about reducing consumption of sparking drinks lead by the Malaysian government has succeeded when the average amount of drinks used every day has dropped dramatically in the first stage of the campaign. Besides, an alternative and healthier drink, such as lemon juice, always in our bag can be a solution. This helps us to use our prepared drink and save our money by not buying anything.

In conclusion, sugar-based drinks consumption should be decreased by the effort of both individuals and the government. The companies in the beverage industry also need to be aware of their products and process with the consultation of scientists in the medical field.

Thank you for your support!

DoctorWho - / 46 29  
Nov 9, 2020   #2
Hey!
You have a decent essay. It could be much better if you focus on correcting certain grammatical errors and use conjunctions appropriately. I would also suggest you to us e simple words instead of complicated ones when to preserve the meaning of the sentence that you intended.

I've done a quick correction of the first para below.
In the past few decades, there has been an unhealthy trend of increasing consumption of sugar based drinks in many countries. This has a detrimental effect on human health and the only way to tackle this problem is by joint efforts of the government and healthcare workers to raise awareness among it's citizens.

You have used the word "although" in an incorrect sense in your opening para. "Have" - "Has" is the appropriate one, etc

You have good content written in your essay about the reasons and solutions to tackle the situation. Try to better frame your preexisting sentences. It's not that they are bad, they could just be so much better.

Good Luck! :)
rayanm729 2 / 3 1  
Nov 9, 2020   #3
First Firstly, since the media and advertising influences a lot on our decisions of on choosing ...

without paying any attention ...
Secondly, due to the availability, and low price ..., people can easily ...

You cannot use on the other hand without including on the one hand for your previous paragraph On the other hand, there are also ...

..., always being in our bag... This helps us to use our prepared drink and saves our money ...

I think this point needs to be explained more, also using the linking word besides is not a great fit in my opinion. A better phrase would be 'Another solution or subsequently.. or just omit it completely.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,124 3267  
Nov 10, 2020   #4
You will definitely fail in the TA section because of the inaccuracy of your paraphrase and your use of improper information in the restatement. These have led to a totally different reference point for your essay from the original. A prompt deviation that can cost you severely in terms of starting off with a high score in the TA section, which represent a majority of your final score.

There is no reference to a time frame (recent decades) in the original prompt. The reference is also to people, not countries. There is no indication either from the original prompt in relation to "negative effects". The original discussion was merely about how people tend to drink more sugar based drinks these days. There was no indicator of "negative effects", therefore, you are changing the original discussion and will be penalized accordingly. All of the changes that you made in the original presentation will mean your essay will be beginning with a non passing score.

The reasoning paragraph is using one too many reasons. The second reason is not as well developed as your first line of reasoning. This creates an under developed reasoning paragraph. So your score for that paragraph will reflect an problematic explanation due to under developed reasoning and justification presentations in the paragraph.

By focusing on the Malaysian government, you are again deviating from the original presentation. There was no particular government focus on the solutions discussion question. Therefore, you should not be referring to any particular country or government. A general reference should have been used for that discussion portion. The use of a specific country in the presentation hinders the proper formatting of the paragraph. The improper presentation will also pull down the score for that paragraph.


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