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[IELTS Writing Task 2] Growing concensus on banning children usage of phones in schools

tienhao123 1 / -  
Dec 6, 2021   #1
Hello everyone! I would be really thankful if you guys could have some feedback and/or an average grade loosely based on IELTS criteria on my response to the following IELTS Task 2:

Some people believe that children should be banned from using their phones during the school day. Others believe that children should be allowed to use their phones.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

My response:

In today's world of readily available technological gadgets, children's ownership of smartphones is skyrocketing and, inevitably, leading to their widespread usage on campus. This has raised the alarm for many concerning parents as well as teachers and, thus, fortifying the growing concensus on banning children phones during school time. Despite cellphones's apparent usefulness, I still side with the opinion that it is necessary to implement a soft, appropriate ban on children usage of cellphones in classes.

On the one hand, we do need to acknowledge the undeniable benefits of smart devices in children's lives. At school, if used properly and wisely, smartphones and tablets can be an innovative, useful assistant for children. For example, a usually boring history class might be much more entertaining and captivating if children, in accordance with their teachers' lesson plan, can use their personal phones to play interactive quizz games about history on cloud platforms. Furthermore, cellphones, even obsolete ones, might become essential in connecting children to their parents in emergency situations. This is becoming increasingly true in light of more frequent school shootings, especially in the US.

On the other hand, the unregulated rapid development of addictive social media and fake news is an alarming reason to ban smartphones during school day. Children, a vulnerable and immature part of our society, might be exposed to harmful social network addiction and fake news if left unsupervised. Moreover, in a school setting, uncontrolled usage of cellphones will distract students from their classes and negetively affect their education. Last but not least, when educational institutions flexibly and appropriately implement a soft ban on cellphones, this will not prohibit children from using their mobile devices in case of emergency. Therefore, such versatile approach will not only negate smartphones' drawbacks but also garner their benefits.

In conclusion, while smartphones are undoubtedly of such vital importance in children's modern lives, I still believe that it is necessary for schools to flexibly and properly limit their usage during school time, as such soft ban will reduce electronic gadgets worst's effects on children while still promoting their good uses.

Thank you!
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 12,672 4113  
Dec 7, 2021   #2
What did you do in the prompt restatement? You changed the discussion foundation so much, the topic you present no longer represents the original framework. It does not even come close. It changes the sources of information, and the basis of discussion. There is nothing accurate about your promopt restatement nor your opinion. This incorrect task representation alone is enough to garner a failing score for the full essay. Why is that? You will be unable to prove that you understood the topic as per the original, and your discussion is also based on an incorrect reference because of it.

The discussion is totally from a first person point of view where you were asked to compare and contrast the two public opinions, and then present your own opinion regarding the topic. You have not managed to meet the prompt requirements in relation to scoring requirements at this point. The essay is a complete failure when the discussion topic and duscussion format are seriously considered.

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