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[IELTS ESSAY TASK2] THE GROWING NUMBER OF OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE PUTTING A STRAIN ON THE HEALTH CARE...


PROMPT: The growing number of overweight people putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issues. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

ways to stop obesity epidemic



Recently, public health has been in the limelight and has aroused wide concern. Although some advance cogent arguments in defense of providing more physical education in the teaching program, it cannot be viewed as the ultimate approach for mankind to combat obesity and alleviate the pressure put on healthcare systems.

From a factual perspective, physical education alone does not exert significant impacts on society, thus creating no real positivity in terms of addressing the obese unrest. Nowadays, being overweight is an epidemic not restricted only to the young generations, namely students. As a matter of fact, according to a recent report "Obesity and the unknown" published in May, 2017 by Harvard researchers, senior and middle-aged dwellers account for more than fifty percent of overweight population across the globe, proving that physical education at school is of no great value to minimize the number of obese citizens. In addition, there are other more efficient measures that should be implemented besides physical-oriented education such as constructing and improving public sports facilities. In today's context, since more and more people are having sedentary jobs that compromise their physical health, such facilities are ideal incentives for people to stay healthy.

Simultaneously, it is individual awareness that is essential to ensuring one's physical well-being. In fact, people's appearances and health status are a direct reflection of their diets. Therefore, it is of great importance that citizens need to be fully informed of nutrition knowledge and food intake in lieu of merely receiving physical education when at school. Moreover, people should attach great significance to healthy lifestyle. This, according to a new study in the early 2017 on obesity by Yale scientists, proves to be medically beneficial because when thinking 'healthy' at a constant frequency, people start to produce chemical substances known as 'Alyme' in their prefrontal cortex, creating habits of automatically doing exercises on a regular basis and being extremely cautious in terms of health issues. This certainly paves the way for people to keep fit.

In essence, the notion of physical education is of paramount importance to helping the community alleviate the health-care systems' pressure on addressing obesity epidemic. It is also worthwhile in the view of some people that there are more convincing reasons why physical education is not the best solution for this predicament.

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Thanks in advance for the feedback! I'll appreciate very much if anyone can evaluate my essay ^0^

Dec 24, 2017   #2
tuvi, your essay will receive a failing score in an actual test based on the prompt deviation that you created. This being an extent essay required you to represent your opinion in the essay based on a strength of conviction or belief in a particular side of the discussion. Words such as totally, fully, partially, completely, minimally, largely, and other descriptive emotional responses can be used to respond properly to the prompt. The proper presentation for this opening paraphrase that would have helped you to create a passing TA presentation is as follows:

As the heavy set people continue to put pressure on the health care programs of the world, it is becoming increasingly difficult to to solve the health situation. One way of dealing with this problem, according to some, is to make sure that the proper physical education is taught in schools. I strongly agree with this idea due to a number of reasons.

Note that at the end of this statement, I clearly responded to the prompt requirement regarding the extent of my agreement or disagreement with the given statement. Your mistake was:

Original Discussion Instruction: To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your Discussion: it cannot be viewed as the ultimate approach for mankind to combat obesity and alleviate the pressure put on healthcare systems.


As you can see, your opening paraphrase did not accurately represent nor respond to the prompt. Which is why you ended up discussing something other than the original discussion topic provided. That is why your essay cannot pass this test.
@Holt
Thank you for the suggestion. So what if the opening is written like yours or I rewrite my opening like this, is the essay better now? Does it need any other correction?

Recently, public health has been in the limelight and has aroused wide concern. Some advance cogent arguments in defense of providing more physical education in the teaching program to combat obesity and alleviate the pressure put on healthcare systems. From my perspective, I strongly dissent against this argument.

From a factual perspective, physical education alone does not exert ...


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