Growing number of young people isn't necessarily only an advantage

Please give me a band score if you can. Thank you for helping me.

WORKING AGE POPULATION

At present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

Nowadays, some countries have working age populations which include a large proportion of residents in their early adulthood. While this type of population has various drawbacks, I believe that its advantages can outweigh the disadvantages.

On the one hand, a population which is full of young adults may cause a series of problems affecting the country's society and economy. Firstly, the growing number of young people might lead to unemployment, as the more candidates there are, the more competitive the job market becomes. Unemployed citizens living in poverty will commit crimes like robbery or behave antisocially. Secondly, owing to the large number of residents, governments cannot provide enough education facilities, healthcare services as well as food supplies, thus people have lower standard of living and quality of life. Finally, the lack of accommodation and other facilities will eventually result in deforestation and environmental destruction.

On the other hand, the advantages a young population brings to a nation are enormous. The prime benefit is that nations full of economically active people will have a large well-educated workforce for high-tech areas, which has a vital role in the fast-paced modern world. Along with a skilled labor force, the population provides its country with a growing market for many manufactured products. Also, people of working age provides a large tax base and are able to take care of both young and elderly dependents as well as afford advanced education for their offspring.

In conclusion, in this fast-moving global economy, having more young adults than elderly inhabitants certainly brings about more pros than cons.

Moon, your essay only responds to the prompt in a tangential manner. This means that you did not appropriately respond to the question being asked. This is a comparison essay for both the old and new generation based upon the advantage of one argument over the other. You focused only on justifying the young adult discussion as an advantage but failed to present the disadvantages of the aging professional population which would have properly justified your reasoning based on the prompt requirements. There are a few keywords that should have clued you in on how to discuss this essay:

Keywords: large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people, advantages, disadvantages

So the focus should not have been on the young adults population for the discussion but rather a 50/50 spread for the discussion over 5 paragraphs. You should not have tried to discuss everything in only 2 paragraphs because you did not have solid justification or explanation for your reasoning. You only indicated topic sentences in every line of the paragraph. That did not really work well in terms of your C&C consideration as well as your GRA skills.

Let me score you based on every criteria in this essay:

TA - 4

C&C - 5

LR - 5

GRA - 5

I think that with this essay your score will be anywhere between a 4.5-5.

@Holt
Thank you for your advice.