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Guests' quantities on two music sites


Hujjatul19 45 / 70 3  
Nov 10, 2016   #1
A breakdown of the information about visitor quantities regarding to new music sites presented in line graph measured by tens of thousands during fifteen days. At a glance, both of figures witness an upward trend meanwhile Pop Parade site is the most popular on the web.

Initially, Pop Parade guest's level experiences a slight drop for the first five days and keep falling down by 40 roughly in the two following days. In contrary, Music Choice's proportion shows a steady increase to 60 in the third day then remains stable for four following days. Moreover, the surprising trend is appeared to be true in the seventh day in which both figures hit its low to around 30. It is followed by a fluctuation by 10 and 20 for Pop Parade and Music Choice levels respectively.

Furthermore, a considerable gap between two parties widens up since a dramatic increase is contributed by Pop Parade's proportion by almost threefold. Likewise, an intersection happens in the second week as Music Choice visitants' volume rockets to 120 when the other party shows a slight drop to around 80. Additionally, the latter figure immediately overtakes the trend by double additional guest numbers and therefore it reaches its peak. Nevertheless, Music Choice declines by about 40 in the last day.



ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Nov 27, 2016   #2
Mujaddidah, I can see that there is no serious problem with your paragraphing style. Even I do really like them, it is very informative and well-developed. Yet, some rooms for improvements still exist. The detailed descriptions below should help you.

- ...music sites presented in the line graph is measured byin tens of thousands during fifteen days.
- At a glance, both of figures(what figures? mentioning the name would be helpful in improving the clarity) witness an upward trend mean while Pop Parade site is...

- ...the first five days and keeps falling down by40to roughly 40 in the two...
- InOn the contrary/other hand , Music Choice's proportion shows...
- ...both figures hit itstheir low to around 30.
- ..fluctuation bybetween 10 and 20 orranging from 10 to 20 ...

Hope this helps :)
Dioba 68 / 104 7  
Nov 27, 2016   #3
Hi,below through my advice for you.
1. ... music sites presented in the line graph and is measured by tens ...
2.At a glance, both of figures (both? where is the other one? ) witness an upward trend ...
3. ... drop for the first five days and keep falling down by 40 roughly in the two following days. ---> by is using to represent thegap value between before and after.

4. In contrary ---> On the contrary
septiadara29 48 / 67 9  
Nov 28, 2016   #4
Hello! I will give you some opinions about your essay.

(1) ... regarding to new music sites is presented in line graph and measured byin tens of thousands ...

(2) ... five days and keeps falling down byto 40 roughly in ...
You can use by if you want emphasize about the change
(3) InBy contrary, Music Choice's proportion ...


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