As the world becomes technologically advanced, computers are replaced more and more jobs. Because having many benefits, people use it as work tools. Sometimes they depends fully on their function.
I don't deny computer's benefits, According to my opinion, originally computers were invented in order to serve for something which people can't do or take along time to do your jobs.Their aren't replaced for all things.
In the present, the technological development too quickly make people tend to be want something be auto. They'd like to work that spend little effort and time but the highest effect. So they don't know that many opportunities are brushed. For example, the communication skills with your around people are limited. Moreover, the results which they looking for or they want to know, all that answers are on the Internet. People don't need more and more brainstorm, thinking, creation and effort. Using computer raising abilities disease about eyesight.
I take a for example, the children are future of a country, when they see on the computer have everything, they dont give informations from their parent. They will study together the computer, staring on it, search anything. But they don't want to go out.
Therefore, The warn for all people, we should use computers the most reasonable way, Don't have what automation also make us better . Knowledge and experiences be set up from practice in go out society.
Hi Trang
I suppose that this essay is not for scholarship purpose but for IELTS one. Please kindly check my comments below:
... technologically advanced, computers are replaced more and more jobs.
are replacing
Because having many benefits, people use it as work tools.
incorrect grammar, please use: because + S + V / because of + N
People use them as work tools / people use it as work tool (if you choose to use plural noun in previous sentence, use plural noun for this sentence)
I don't deny computer's benefits,
Computers are arguably beneficial devices for human.
"Don't" is informal, please do not use it in essay writing.
According to my opinion, originally computers were invented in order to serve for ...
In my opinion/ From my view
Computers were originally invented to make tasks easier for human.
"Can't" is informal, do not use it in essay writing
Their aren't replaced for all things.
"Aren't" is informal, do not use in essay writing
Also, I suppose that you are about to discuss on the pros of computer, so try not to mix up the cons here. You might want to discuss all the pros first in one paragraph, and discuss all the cons in another paragraph. It would make your writing more clear.
In the present, the technological development too quickly ...
Avoid "something" in essay writing
The rapid development of technology has changed user behavior. People tend to automate not only difficult tasks, but also easy ones recently.
"They'd like to work that spend little effort and time but the highest effect."
They prefer to work with less effort and time spent, but with higher productivity.
So they don't know that many opportunities are brushed.
You are mixing up the pros and cons again
For example, the communication skills with ...
By using computers most of the time, human interactions would be affected. (This is cons, again, mixed up with pros part)
Moreover, the results which they looking for or ...
This sentence has no relation to the previous sentence. In the previous sentence, you are mentioning about the limitation in human interaction by using computer. So, the readers may expect to hear more of why and how it affect the human interaction,
People don't need more and more brainstorm, ...
Pros & cons mixed up
Using computer raising abilities disease about eyesight.
"Ability" is a "positive" word: leadership ability, fast learning ability, computer usage ability
Excessive computer use would make the threat to human's eyesight.
I take a for example, the children are future of a country, when they see [...] experiences be set up from practice in go out society.
please try to avoid translation from your language to English (in your mind) when practice writing.
I hope this helps
