the number of people who committed suicide was dramatically raised
-> the number of people who committed suicide dramatically increased/there was a dramatic increase in the number of people...
Two main reasons will be aptly point out
-> pointed out
To begin with, by working not only you feel like you are doing your responsibility to your family also you feel like as a good citizen you are doing your responsibility towards your society.
-> it is confusing and not grammatically correct. You could say that: To begin with, working helps people fulfill their responsibilities for not only their families but also the whole society.
a society web site
-> a social website
an individual that actively works
rather than staying at home and doing nothing.
-> rather than those who spend most of their time staying at home and doing nothing
I wonder if the third paragraph actually support the idea you gave in the introduction. Also, you should avoid using "you" in such academic writing.I hope my corrections help.